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[Eng] 2014 DSE Writing Q1 fitness centre

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2014 DSE Writing Q1 fitness centre

2014DSE
Learning English through Sports Communication


A local fitness centre is being renovated. As the chairperson of your school's Sports Club,write a letter to ask the fitness centre to donate some of their old equipment to your school. In your letter, describe how the donation could benefit your school and the fitness centre.


Dear Sir/Madam


Recently,we notice that your fitness centre is being renovated,and will have some old and unwanted sports equipment replaced.And our school has planned to set up a gymnasium for teachers and students,promoting a healthy lifestyle.Therefore,we are delighted to hear the news,and hope your centre can donate the equipment to us because it is beneficial to our school and your centre.


One of the upsides to the school is that having fitness equipment can help student raise their health consciousness.As you may know,the problem of obesity in Hong Kong is getting severe,and it also exists in our school as you can see fat boys and girls in every class.Having the equipment,our school can set up a gymnasium and provide several courses for interested students to join,which in turn promotes a healthy lifestyle and raise students' health awareness,reducing the problem of obesity.


Moreover,students can strengthen their physiques and prevent from getting sick through frequently using these sports facilities.Most Hong Kong students,including ours,seldom do exercise and are not healthy enough to prevent from illness.Therefore,if we can freely provide sports facilities,for example,treadmills for them,they will be more willing to do exercise.As a result,students can cultivate a habit of having exercise,keeping themselves healthy.


Besides,to do exercise by using the equipment,students or teachers can relieve their stress at work or in studies.As you may know,Hong Kong teachers have very much workload and students have a lot of homework and examinations.Under great working stress or academic stress,lecture and health of teachers or studies and health of students will be affected severely.Some teachers and students even suffer from depression.By having a gymnasium,teachers and students will have more chances to do exercise to relieve their stress.According a study,running triggers the release of brain chemicals called endocannabinoids that create a potent feelings of pleasure and alleviate stress.Therefore,teachers and students can use the treadmill to run in the periods of breaks,lunch and after school to relieve their stress which in turns keep their teaching,learning and health desirable.      




Apart from the benefits to the school,donating the equipment is also beneficial to your centre.If your centre can donate the equipment to us,we can freely help your centre advertise through talking to students that the equipment is from your centre.Having more opportunities and time to approach fitness,students will be easily interested in it and want to know more about it.Then,more students will want to be a gymnasium coach.And then,they will thus go to your centre to enjoy the newest equipment for a better service.It can greatly increase the revenue of your centre.Besides,students may choose gymnasium coaches as their future careers,increasing and stabilising the supply of fitness instructors in the fitness market such that boosting the development of fitness in Hong Kong.        


In conclusion,the fitness equipment is very significant to the establishment of our school's gymnasium.It is also beneficial to the school and your centre,for example,improving teachers and students'health,advertising your fitness centre.Moreover,it provides students with more ways to appoach fitness,letting students feel interested in it and then be a gymnasium coach,boosting the development of fitness and fitness-related sports.So,we are sincere to hope your centre can donate the equipment to us.Hope you can help us!


Yours faithfully
Chris Wong
Chairman of the Sports Club
   
一般的成功,主要都是靠堅持。

TOP

Your writing actually is quite good, but I have some points to add.
You are asking for the donation from the fitness centre, hence, you had better mention more benefits for the fitness centre to persaude them such as enhancing thier reputation.
If I were the person of the fitness centre, I would just think that giving you the equipments would benefit you more than I.
Your grammar is quite good.Quite a fluent writing.
level 4-5 writing.  


[ 本帖最後由 小祭` 於 2014-10-3 03:22 PM 編輯 ]

TOP

Yes!!!
一般的成功,主要都是靠堅持。

TOP

Dear Sir/Madam

As the Chairperson of my school's Sports Club, I am writing to explore the possibility of your fitness centre donating your old equipment to us.

Recently, it has came to our attention that your fitness centre is being renovated and some of the equipment in the centre is likely to be replaced as part of the renovation project.

Incidentally our school has planned to set up a gymnasium for teachers and students, with a view to promoting a healthy lifestyle.  It would therefore be highly beneficial to us if you could donate the old equipment to us.  Such donation will reduce the amount of funds required for the plan to be implemented.

The plan is important to students in that with the equipment, we can raise our students' awareness of the importance of sports to their health by organising various training programmes.

As we all know, the problem of obesity in Hong Kong is deteriorating and our school is not immune as overweight students are found in almost class.

We have high hopes that the training programmes will promote a healthy lifestyle among our students which should address the problem of obesity to a large extent.  Moreover, they can strengthen their physical conditions and avoid getting sick frequently.

Most Hong Kong students, including ours, rarely exerciplanned come up with all sorts of excuses.  The easy access to the equipment at the school will make it easier for them to exercise.  We hope this will help them develop it as a habit.

Exercise also helps the students and indeed teachers to relieve stress at studies or work.  It is well known that stress is a cause of different diseases.  According a study, running triggers the release of brain chemicals called endocannabinoids (?) that create potent feelings of pleasure and alleviate stress.. Therefore, the teachers and students can use, for example,  treadmills during breaks, lunch time and after school.

Apart from the benefits to the school, we believe that such donation also benefits your centre. If your centre can donate the equipment to us, we can freely help your centre advertise through talking to students that the equipment is from your centre.  Having more opportunities and time to keep fit, the student are likely to be easily interested in exercise and want to know more about it.. Then,more students will want to be a gymnasium coach.. And then,they will thus go to your centre to enjoy the newest equipment for a better service.  It might greatly increase the revenue of your centre.

The students may choose to become gymnasium coaches, which contributes to increasing and stabilising the supply of fitness instructors in the fitness market.  

In conclusion, the fitness equipment is very significant to the establishment of our school's gymnasium. It is also beneficial to your centre  in terms of possibly increasing the revenue of your centre and boosting the development of fitness and fitness-related sports..

We sincerely look forward to receiving a favourable reply from you.

Yours faithfully
Chris Wong
Chairman of the Sports Club




TOP

... in almost every class.



TOP

Dear Sir/Madam

As the Chairperson of my school's Sports Club, I am writing to explore the possibility of your fitness centre donating your old equipment to us.

Recently, it has came to our attention that your fitness centre is being renovated and some of the equipment in the centre is likely to be replaced as part of the renovation project.

Incidentally our school has planned to set up a gymnasium for teachers and students, with a view to promoting a healthy lifestyle.  It would therefore be highly beneficial to us if you could donate the old equipment to us.  Such donation will reduce the amount of funds required for the plan to be implemented.

The plan is important to students in that with the equipment, we can raise our students' awareness of the importance of sports to their health by organising various training programmes.

As we all know, the problem of obesity in Hong Kong is deteriorating and our school is not immune as overweight students are found in almost every class.

We have high hopes that the training programmes will promote a healthy lifestyle among our students which should address the problem of obesity to a large extent.  Moreover, they can strengthen their physical conditions and avoid getting sick frequently.

Most Hong Kong students, including ours, rarely exercise and come up with all sorts of excuses.  The easy access to the equipment at the school will make it easier for them to exercise.  We hope this will help them develop it as a habit.

Exercise also helps the students and indeed teachers to relieve stress at studies or work.  It is well known that stress is a cause of different diseases.  According a study, running triggers the release of brain chemicals called endocannabinoids (?) that create potent feelings of pleasure and alleviate stress.  Therefore, the teachers and students can use, for example,  treadmills during breaks, lunch time and after school.

Apart from the benefits to the school, we believe that such donation also benefits your centre. If your centre can donate the equipment to us, we can freely help your centre advertise through talking to students that the equipment is from your centre.  Having more opportunities and time to keep fit, the students are likely to be easily interested in exercise and want to know more about it. Then, more students will want to be gymnasium coaches. And they will thus go to your centre to use the modern equipment for a better service.  It might greatly increase the revenue of your centre.m The students may also choose to become gymnasium coaches, which contributes to increasing and stabilising the supply of fitness instructors in the fitness market.  

In conclusion, the fitness equipment is very significant to the establishment of our school's gymnasium. It is also beneficial to your centre  in terms of possibly increasing the revenue of your centre and boosting the development of fitness and fitness-related sports.

We sincerely look forward to receiving a favourable reply from you.

Yours faithfully
Chris Wong
Chairman of the Sports Club




TOP

Level 4-5
I think your writing is quite fluent, but there are some careless and grammatical mistakes which deserve your attention.
at para 1. have some old and unwanted sports equipment ^being^ replaced
at para 3.prevent from illness---> depart from illness
at para 4 have very much workload---> have heavy workload
at para 5 to enjoy the newest equipment---> to enjoy the latest equipment
at para 5  in the fitness market such that boosting the development of fitness in Hong Kong.  ---> in the market of fitness centre, which can boost the development of fitness-related industry in Hong Kong

TOP

thank you very much!
一般的成功,主要都是靠堅持。

TOP

To be frank, try not to directly translate what you meant in Chinese. Structuring shares equal importance as your language/vocabs used.

TOP

我地可能幫到你
www.facebook.com/starpigs

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