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[Eng] 狠評2014DSE Learning English through Sports Communication

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狠評2014DSE Learning English through Sports Communication

請狠評 , 如果可以請留低amended version 作參考 , 十分感謝
2014DSE
Learning English through Sports Communication

A local fitness centre is being renovated. As the chairperson of your school's Sports Club,write a letter to ask the fitness centre to donate some of their old equipment to your school. In your letter, describe how the donation could benefit your school and the fitness centre.

Dear Sir/Madam ,

        I am the chairperson of Saint Paul College's Sport Club . I heard about your renovation to the local fitness centre , it is really a boon to our community . Coincidentally , our school is lacking of fitness equipment for our students . Thus , I am writing this letter to inquire you if it is feasible to donate some of your old equipments to our school . Also , I will raise two perspectives on how the donation favours either your fitness centre and our school .

       To commence with , the donation can axe the expenses for both parties . It is difficult for you to sell all the old equipments instantly ,because there is no sufficient demand which can deal with your merchandises at once, hence you need to search and rent a space for placing the dispensable equipments and waiting for sale . The time and rent,as expenses, you spend are inevitable if you determined selling those equipments . On the other hand our school , according our research , will have to spend about 20% of the whole subsidy for the year from the government buying the brand-new fitness equipments that unless they can receive your equipments as donation . It is ,indisputably, a waste to use such a enormous 20% of the subsidy on fitness equipment instead of education . Therefore , donation is the most feasible and efficient way to tackle both issues over the expenses .

        On top of that , not only can the donation help gaining reputation for your fitness centre , but also preventing students from obesity . In accordance with the study conducted by Red Cross , there are two youngsters who get obesity of every ten adolescents in Hong Kong . It is a pressing and alarming sign which we can not turn a blind eye to .Against this background , it is helpful to our students having your donation to exercise on appropriately  . In addition , in the build of wholesome school life , it will be a great propaganda for your fitness centre of being considerable about students' health . It will certainly give a vigorous impression to the customers , therefore they may be more willing to consume in your centre frequently as a consequence . Undoubtedly , the donation mutually benefits both sides .

         Taking it in mind , the donation is of paramount importance to whatever the students or the school , even your fitness centre . We need your helping hand to reduce educational expenses , to rescue the students from obesity . I will have a gratitude towards your kind donation and your time reading this letter . I look forward to receiving your reply.

Yours faithfully ,
Chris Wong
   

TOP

幫幫手 thx



TOP

Do you know that equipment is always in the singular and it is wrong to say equipments?



TOP

The essay seems to be rather short.  Does it meet the word count requirement?



TOP

Your composition has shown some awareness on the formality as this is a letter. However, mind the use between singular and plural nouns which is a very fundamental element in English.

Throughout your compo, I've noticed that there are abuses of using commas inappropriately like Chinese eg. . I heard about your renovation to the local fitness centre, it is really a boon to our community. You should use a full stop or rewrite it as : I heard about your renovation to the local fitness centre, the benefit of which can contribute it to the society. The choice of words are okay but there is much room for you to improve your sentence structures. Try not to confine yourself under SVO and use more versatile sentences. Overusing sentence-initial conjunctions will just show your weakness on using the use of diverse sentence structure.

In view of your contents, to be frank, you can try to think of other aspects and generalize it into different perspectives. eg, In terms of XXX (like the environmentally, the economical consideration or the health of adolescents, etc). This really helps the marker reading and understanding your points more effectively. Marker-friendly is a key point to attain a high score in DSE.

Your compo is quite satisfactory (though you can improve a lot) and so I will give you like
C: 4-5/7
L: 5/7
O: 4/7
T=13-14/21 (Roughly like a level 4 performance)

Good luck to your coming DSE!

TOP

C: 4
L: 4
O: 4 -- 12/21

TOP

Thx



TOP

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