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[Eng] DSE english writing practice paper 求狠評+估level

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DSE english writing practice paper 求狠評+估level


自己係band3 中中學生 自知英文比其他人差 但唔知自己係咩水平 拜託各位chings


Question:Recent survey demonstrate that more and more university graduates do not seeteaching as a desirable occupation. Write a letter to the editor of the SCMPexplaining why teaching is now considered as an attractive profession andsuggesting some changes with which the situation can be improved. Do not writeany address.




DearSir/Madam,
As a regular reader inyour columns. I am writing to you about in a recent survey found that more andmore university graduates do not see teaching as a desirable occupation. Thus,I want to through this channel to share this serious situation to draw thepublic attention. It is surprising that for now being a teacher is a thanklesstask. Hence, I would like to reveal the reasons for this evil situation andsuggest a few ways to improve the problem.

In the first place, the lack of graduateswilling to join with the teaching family. You can imagine that how the currentteachers are facing over the workload that they are always leaving very late atthe school. Therefore, many and many people after graduate in some educationaldegree programs. They lose faith in a teaching career as they are returningtheir future career from teaching to other industries. The major one being theyare afraid after being a teacher they will face over the workloads. This isdefinitely a vicious circle that no one willing to join with the teacherindustry and then the current teachers keep continuous to handle the heavy dutyworks.


A further point in explaining the misbehaviorand poor learning attitude of some students make teachers angry and stress out.Sad to say many students have a bad behavior that bully their teachers in thesocial network. It is patent to anyone knows that last week most of thenewspapers’ handling was talking about one of the teacher was suffered from thestudent cyber bullying and as a result he was stressed out and then choosing theimproperly way to end of his life. The case has reinforced many peoples’ decisionfor choosing the educational career. In light of this, many people think thatteaching is no longer to be relaxing occupation, but a stressful job for them.


However teacher is one of the major roles inteaching teenagers how to prepare to become a successful citizen in thesociety. We have to stop the problem spreading before it is too late. It istime for the government and the schools to take prompt action steeling theproblem.


There are many things calling out to be done.As a first step, the government should implement the policies, including carryingout more educational degree programs and increasing the number of the educatorsin order to reduce the workloads of each single teacher. Talks can be also as away to reduce the teachers’ pressure. In which government can make more talksto enlighten a proper ways to control with pressure.


Meanwhile, for the schools with, continuousties between student and teacher can make their relationship more friendly andclosely. It is suggested that more teacher-student activities ranging from somegames and competitions such as overnight camp and sport competitions betweenthemselves. Not only it helps them to improve their relationship, but it isalso a great opportunity for them to contact and communicate to each other. Bydoing so, students would be more complied with the teachers’ instructions andshow respect for their teachers as a result.


All in all, if we can take both advices, Ibelieve that teaching will become a desirable occupation. And they will getmore satisfaction in their duty works.


Yoursfaithfully,
ChrisWong
   

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幫下手好嗎?

:'( :'( :'( :'( :'( :'(

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求狠評+opinion

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em46 em46 em46 em46

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題目有問題



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??? SORRY 題目點樣有問題?

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please help me to review -

[ 本帖最後由 vincent0912 於 2013-12-17 07:44 PM 編輯 ]

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Didn't read thoroughly, but you have to work on your skills in writing topic sentences, which should contain the idea or argument that you are going to elaborate.

e.g. In the first place, the lack of graduateswilling to join with the teaching family.

This is more like a consequence than a reason, and you should remember that you are writing to explain the trend but not to identify the consequences of the trend. Though you did touch on the reason in the same paragraph, I am quite confused when I read on and I wonder whether you understood the purpose of writing.

And you should revise some basic sentence structures like inversion, which you used it wrong in the article.
I can also see your vain attempts to evade the use of common expressions. My suggestion is stick to what you are most certain about because this won't expose what you don't know to readers.

Add oil We still have time

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Question:Recent survey demonstrate that more and more university graduates do not see teaching as a desirable occupation. Write a letter to the editor of the SCMPexplaining why teaching is now considered as an attractive profession andsuggesting some changes with which the situation can be improved. Do not writeany address.




DearSir/Madam,


(As a regular reader inyour columns.) I am writing to you about in a recent survey found that more andmore university graduates do not see teaching as a desirable occupation. (Thus,)I want(/i would like) to (through this channel to) share my opinion on this (serious) situation to draw the public attention. It is surprising that for now being a teacher is a thankless task. Hence, I would like to reveal the reasons (for this evil situation) andsuggest a few ways to improve the problem.<<< not really a "problem"...mayb say " suggest a few points that change ppl's perception of the occupation"

In the first place, the lack of graduateswilling to join with the teaching family. You can imagine that how the currentteachers are facing over the workload that they are always leaving very late atthe school. Therefore, many and many people after graduate in some educationaldegree programs. They lose faith in a teaching career as they are returningtheir future career from teaching to other industries. The major one being theyare afraid after being a teacher they will face over the workloads. This isdefinitely a
vicious circle that no one willing to join with the teacherindustry and then the current teachers keep continuous to handle the heavy dutyworks.<< not really a "vicious cycle"... don't use this phrase here

冇一句grammar 係完全正確, 唔逐句改,
rewrite:
The workload of teachers at local schools are notoriously heavy. It is no big news to see teachers leaving school very late in the evening.

A further point in explaining the misbehaviorand poor learning attitude of some students make teachers angry and stress out.Sad to say many students have a bad behavior that bully their teachers in thesocial network. It is patent to anyone knows that last week most of thenewspapers’ handling was talking about one of the teacher was suffered from thestudent cyber bullying and as a result he was stressed out and then choosing theimproperly way to end of his life. The case has reinforced many peoples’ decisionfor choosing the educational career. In light of this, many people think thatteaching is no longer to be relaxing occupation, but a stressful job for them.



grammar 錯得太多,唔知你講乜,
改最尾果句:
In light of this, many fresh graduates realised  that teaching is no longer (to be)a relaxing occupation, but a stressful job.

.


stop sth from happening

There are many things calling out to be done.As a first step, the government should implement the policies, including carryingout more educational degree programs and increasing the number of the educatorsin order to reduce the workloads of each single teacher. Talks can be also as away to reduce the teachers’ pressure. In which government can make more talksto enlighten a proper ways to control with pressure.

==>grammar 係問題, 內容係更大問題
more education degree==> 冇人肯讀
more talks to reduce pressure==> 唔係直接令人做老師既因素

Meanwhile, for the schools with, continuousties between student and teacher can make their relationship more friendly andclosely. It is suggested that more teacher-student activities ranging from somegames and competitions such as overnight camp and sport competitions betweenthemselves. Not only it helps them to improve their relationship, but it isalso a great opportunity for them to contact and communicate to each other. Bydoing so, students would be more complied with the teachers’ instructions andshow respect for their teachers as a result.

==> 徹底地離題
你要真接點出提高做老師既吸引力既方法, e.g. 人工$$ ,教育既重大意義&巨大的影響力

(老師社會地位)




倒裝句:
Not only it helps them to improve their relationship, but it isalso a great opportunity for them to contact and communicate to each other.
==> not only does it help to improve their relationship/ strengthen their bonding , but also ...
你呢句冇not only.. but also... 既logic....你既意思係因果關係, 所以你會用..thus/ therefore/ so/ as a result...


內容&grammar 都要改善

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thanks for your comment. Could you give me some suggestions how to improve my grammar problem?

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read more~
read good books, gd articles etc

read gd writing examples from ur fellows may help too

gd luck~

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ok thank you very much i know how to do it ^^

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I do hope that these suggestions will help you to write a better essay in the future. For me, your essay will only score a Level 2 in the writing paper. (Actually, the question conflicts itself -.-)




Question: Recent survey demonstrate that more and more university graduates do not seeteaching as a desirable occupation. Write a letter to the editor of the SCMPexplaining why teaching is now considered as an attractive profession andsuggesting some changes with which the situation can be improved. Do not writeany address.


I think the original question is: A recent survey has demonstrated that more and more university graduates do not see teaching as a desirable occupation. Write a letter to the editor of the SCMP explaining why teaching is now not considered as an attractive profession and suggest some changes to improve the situation. Do not write any addresses.


This is a sample essay from me (If I made any careless mistakes or if my quality of writing is no good, I apologize)

Dear Editor,
I am writing to express my concern over the results of a recent survey that more and more university graduates do not seek teaching as a desirable occupation. This is an alarming matter, as Hong Kong's education system certainly needs a adequate amount of high quality teachers to educate our future generation. Therefore, I would like to discuss the issue by writing to you and to raise some suggestions as to how the government can alleviate the issue.


To begin with, teachers should be a respectable occupation. Respecting the teacher has always played a major role in traditional Chinese beliefs. However, students nowadays pay less respect to their teachers. They simply treat their teachers as tools and are only here to serve them. Some might even have wrong beliefs that teachers are useless and they would rather want to go to tuition classes rather than going to school. Hence, no matter how much effort and time teachers invested in their students, the students do not listen to their teaching in class, playing with their smartphone or talking instead. Some teachers might even be forced to commit suicide after being cyberbullied by their students, for example being criticized in Facebook or other social mediae. For teachers, it is certainly intolerable.



Moreover, teachers have to work long hours due to their respective duties. They have to prepare tests and exam papers, mark the student's homework and asssessments, give feedback to their students in their projects and tasks, and might even have to respond to complaints from other teachers and parents. Most teachers have to work at home in the evenings and cannot rest until well after midnight. For fresh graduates from the universities, who have experienced a relatively relaxing life in university, the job is too demanding for them. In their eyes, teaching is just a tall order, either physically or psychologically. They would rather want to work for less money but also less demanding jobs. This induces the problem where the supply of new teachers is lower than the demand.


However, teachers are crucial to educate the young generations of Hong Kong people, and to foster a stable economic growth to the city. For that reason, the Hong Kong government must take steps to ensure that there is a constant supply of teachers so that the educational industry can stay healthy.

First of all, incentives should be offered to prospective teachers. Teachers should be properly rewarded for their tiring work. For example, the government can reward cash prizes to those hard-working teachers recommended by the schools' principals. Teachers should also be given more support when they face difficulties in teaching. The government can set up hotlines to guide the teachers into how they should deal with their problems. These all ensure that teachers can fulfill their duties whilst maintaing a good psychological health.

Secondly, the government can redesign the curriculum to minimize the pressure on teachers and also students. Teachers often feel tired as they have to prepare their students in taking the HKDSE or the TSA. The government can set up a committee and investigate ways to help teachers deliver their knowledge to students more easily, for example reducing the number of TSAs or encouraging more field-trips to reduce the lesson time for teachers. The teachers can then teach more effectively and can have more chances to rest.

Thirdly, the government might also try to have students portraying teachers and doing their duties for a short period of time. Students do not pay as much respect as they should to the teachers as they do not appreciate much of their teacher's work, nor how much effort their teachers has paid to them. If students can experience the work of their teachers, they will have sympathy towards their teachers and they certainly will respect the work of their teachers afterwards. The teachers will finally be happy that their students do pay tribute to their work and a better teacher-student relationship can be built.

Finally, the government should promote more about the work of a teacher to university graduates. University graduates do not want to become a teacher because they do not know the occupation well enough. Talks and workshops should be held in universities to let current university students and graduates raise an interest in teaching. Some of them might even pursue a career as a teacher after they know more about the profession. Promotion will prove effective to arouse more interest in becoming a teacher


All in all, teachers should be respected, and should also have a better balance between work and rest. I do hope that my suggestions can be adopted so that more graduates would become teachers and that there will be a better supply of teachers to faciliate a healthy education industry in Hong Kong.


Yours faithfully,
Chris Wong

[ 本帖最後由 smartboyhw 於 2013-12-26 06:02 PM 編輯 ]

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thank you very much your essay is very well. I can learn a lot of things like verbs and grammar in this essay. And i will pay more time to study in English writing this aspect. And i am grateful if you can review my english writing more time when i post my english writing again in this board

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