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[Eng] 2014 dse eng writing part b Q1(求評+level)

2014 dse eng writing part b Q1(求評+level)

Topic:a local fitness centre is being renovated. As the chairperson of your school’sSports Club, write a letter to ask the fitness centre to donate some of theirold equipment to your school. In your letter, describe how the donation could benefit your school and the fitness centre.

Dear Sir/Madam,


I am writing to request for the fitness centre to donate some of the old equipment to our school. I will raise four benefits on how the donation is beneficial to the fitness centre and school.



To begin with, donating some of the old equipment helps the fitness centre reduces extra expense. As Hong Kong is a tiny city, it is difficult for a majority of people to put the large equipment in their tiny house. In addition, it is common for any new fitness centres to equip with the latest equipment. Given this, there is less old equipment buyers in the market. In order to settle the old equipment, the fitness centre may need to spend money on renting an empty place. If some ofthe old equipment to donate to our school, no extra expenses will be paid, and hence reduces the cost of operation.



Apart from the money reduction, donating some of the old equipment helps the fitness centre builds apositive image. It is a stark fact that the positive and healthy image is a kind of intangible asset to the fitness centre. Over the past decade, many economists have proven that intangible asserts help to increase the sales revenue. Applied to the case, if one of the student’s mother is addicted to exercising, she may join the membership and recommend to her friends due to the appreciation of the contribution. Therefore, a positive image not only helps to gain reputation but also increases the sales revenue.



Besides, donating some ofthe old equipment helps students enjoy more resources. It is a fact that our school is being distributed limited educational budget every year. If we choose to spend money on repairing the three broken running and bicycling equipment and purchasing three new dumbbells, the resource distribution on every subject will be deducted. If some of the old equipment to donate to our school, no extra expenses of repairing will be paid. Hence, more students can enjoy thew elfare, for example, subsidies on joining an exchange programme and visiting the space museum.




Regarding to the enjoyment of more resources, donating some of the old equipment helps the school builds a healthy studying environment. Recently, a survey conducted by the school’s sports club has revealed that 15% of the students suffer from obesity. Ourschool is highly concerned the problem and aim at helping every student possess a healthy body. In order to achieve our goal, exercising is of paramount importance. If some of the old equipment to donate to our school, every studentwill have a chance to enjoy the professional equipment in the PE lessons andafter school to burn the calories.



To conclude, I highly request for the donation of some of the equipment as it is mutually benefit to the fitness centre and school. The fitness centre not only can reduce the extra expenses but also build a positive image. Moreover, the school not only helps the students enjoy more resources but also builds a healthy studying environment.I am looking forward to your response.


Yours faithfully,
Chris Wong
Chairperson of the Sport Club



[ 本帖最後由 kawai16 於 2014-10-31 09:38 PM 編輯 ]
   

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Level 5 -

2014 dse eng writing part b Q1(求評+level)

Topic:a local fitness centre is being renovated. As the chairperson of your school’sSports Club, write a letter to ask the fitness centre to donate some of theirold equipment to your school. In your letter, describe how the donation could benefit your school and the fitness centre.

Dear Sir/Madam,

I am writing to request for the fitness centre to donate some of the old equipment to our school. I will raise four benefits on how the donation is beneficial to the fitness centre and school.

[ comments:
1. request is a transitive verb, so it should be "request someone".
2. We can raise an issue or a request, but not benefits.
3. I am writing to request your fitness centre to donate some of your old equipment to our school.  This will be beneficial to not only our school but also your fitness centre in four ways. ]

To begin with, donating some of the old equipment helps the fitness centre reduces extra expense. As Hong Kong is a tiny city, it is difficult for a majority of people to put the large equipment in their tiny house. In addition, it is common for any new fitness centres to equip with the latest equipment. Given this, there is less old equipment buyers in the market. In order to settle the old equipment, the fitness centre may need to spend money on renting an empty place. If some ofthe old equipment to donate to our school, no extra expenses will be paid, and hence reduces the cost of operation.

[ comments:
1  help sb (to) verb eg helps the fitness centre reduce ...
2 expense --> expenses
3 their tiny house --> ... houses
4 to equip with --> to be equipped with eg The school is equipped with ...
5 less ... buyers --> fewer ... buyers
6 settle the old eqipment - what does it mean?
7 If some of the old equipment to donate (?) to our school, no extra expenses will be paid, and hence reduces (?) the cost of operation.
8 An amended version:

To begin with, donating some of the old equipment helps your fitness centre (to) reduce extra expenses. As Hong Kong is a tiny city, it is difficult for most people to put the large equipment in their tiny houses. In addition, it is common for any new fitness centre to be equipped with the latest equipment. Given this, theequate fewer old equipment buyers in the market. In order to store the old equipment, your fitness centre may need to rent space at an additional cost, which can be saved if the old equipment to can be donated to our school. ]

Apart from the money reduction, donating some of the old equipment helps the fitness centre builds apositive image. It is a stark fact that the positive and healthy image is a kind of intangible asset to the fitness centre. Over the past decade, many economists have proven that intangible asserts help to increase the sales revenue. Applied to the case, if one of the student’s mother is addicted to exercising, she may join the membership and recommend to her friends due to the appreciation of the contribution. Therefore, a positive image not only helps to gain reputation but also increases the sales revenue.

[ Comments:
1 "money reduction" is Chinese English.
2 "Applied to the case" is strange.
3 one of the student’s mother --> the mother of one of the students
4 An amended version:
Apart from savings, the donation helps your fitness centre (to) build up a positive image which can be an intangible asset of your fitness centre. Over the past decade, many economists have proven that intangible assets help to increase the sales revenue.  In your case, if the mother of one of our students becomes addicted to exercising, she may join your fitness centre or even recommend that her friends do the same. Therefore, a positive image helps not only to gain reputation but also to increase the sales revenue."

Besides, donating some of the old equipment helps students enjoy more resources. It is a fact that our school is being distributed limited educational budget every year. If we choose to spend money on repairing the three broken running and bicycling equipment and purchasing three new dumbbells, the resource distribution on every subject will be deducted. If some of the old equipment to donate to our school, no extra expenses of repairing will be paid. Hence, more students can enjoy thew elfare, for example, subsidies on joining an exchange programme and visiting the space museum.

[Comments: Various grammatical mistakes.  An amended version:

"Besides, any old equipment donated to our school is additional resources for our students.  Our school is given limited educational budget every year. If we choose to spend money on repairing the three broken running and cycling equipment and purchasing three new dumbbells, it will mean less resources for other subjects.  So our school welcomes your help in terms of the donation." ]

Regarding to the enjoyment of more resources, donating some of the old equipment helps the school builds a healthy studying environment. Recently, a survey conducted by the school’s sports club has revealed that 15% of the students suffer from obesity. Ourschool is highly concerned the problem and aim at helping every student possess a healthy body. In order to achieve our goal, exercising is of paramount importance. If some of the old equipment to donate to our school, every studentwill have a chance to enjoy the professional equipment in the PE lessons andafter school to burn the calories.

[ Comments: regarding to --> regarding.  An amended version :

"Regarding the enjoyment of more resources, the donation helps the school build a healthy studying environment. Recently, a survey conducted by the school’s sports club has revealed that 15% of the students suffer from obesity. Our school is highly concerned about the problem and aims at helping every student possess a healthy body. In order to achieve our goal, exercising is of paramount importance. We hope our students will have a chance to use proper equipment during PE lessons and after school to burn the calories."]

To conclude, I highly request for the donation of some of the equipment as it is mutually benefit to the fitness centre and school. The fitness centre not only can reduce the extra expenses but also build a positive image. Moreover, the school not only helps the students enjoy more resources but also builds a healthy studying environment.I am looking forward to your response.

[Comments: an amended version:

"To conclude, I would be most grateful if your fitness centre would favourably consider our request which we believe benefits us as much as your fitness centre.  Your fitness centre will be able to save costs and build up a posive image whereas our students will be able to do better with more resources and a healthy studying environment. I am looking forward to your positive response."


Yours faithfully,
Chris Wong
Chairperson of the Sport Club



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引用:
原帖由 kawai16 於 2014-10-31 09:32 PM 發表
Topic:a local fitness centre is being renovated. As the chairperson of your school’sSports Club, write a letter to ask the fitness centre to donate some of theirold equipment to your school. In your  ...
我覺得你唔好作文住買本grammar exercise +睇多d BBC/英文書........

重有重有

james20100101



你唔好成日亂比grade比人假希望 呢篇文冇可能過level 3......


不喜勿插


To begin with, donating some of the old equipment helps the fitness centre reduces extra expensere(expense)




extra-expense



-->extra-expenditure / extras(n)




......centre effectively cut down(/reduce/decrease) your expenditure on disposing of those old equipment.



Extra (n form)
An item for which an additional charge is made:the price includes all major charges—there are no hidden extras
n [C]可數名詞
  • something which is added to a basic product or service which improves it and also costs more 另外計價的項目
  • something attractive or helpful that you do not get more money for


[ 本帖最後由 sai1991ku 於 2014-11-1 12:30 AM 編輯 ]
The Chinese University of Hong Kong

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一篇文章有不同評分是很正常的事,用不著動輒說亂評分,這未免太武斷!況且一篇文章拿不等於篇篇拿5。反而同學是否從錯誤中學習更為重要,在寫下一篇文章時能否避免犯同樣錯誤。我給詳細的意見為得就是這個。



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if i am the CEO of the fitness centre, I may ask

1:  I can sell my old equipment to gain more profit, or I can trade-in my old equipment. Donating my equipment WILL NOT increase my revenue. A fitness centre can do such transaction with supplier and other fitness centre.

2:  Are you requesting me to give you my equipment?  Is that an order?  

3:  Donating old equipment to a school is surely a generous act. However, the fitness center won't blow the trumpet and tell everyone about it. It will be a tangible asset if someone in the public knows.

4:  I can't see the connotation between donating and student's mother joining fitness centre????? You do know there are a dozen of fitness centres in the market and it is not guaranteed the student mother will join my fitness centre.

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多謝大家的建議
我會盡力改善所有的不足之處

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可以跟蕭sir學英文

https://www.facebook.com/siuhoiyat?fref=nf&pnref=story



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http://teacherweb.com/HK/DBS/LayheonTan/DBS_NSS_WRITERS_PACK_2014-15.pdf



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http://lsforum.net/board/redirect.php?tid=251493&goto=lastpost&sid=f2iZSH



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回覆 1# kawai16 的帖子

Level 4

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