mandy120

希望大家幫幫手詳細評論此文及話我知值lv幾? 唔該各位!


Q: Kenneth,your good friend,has been injuredin surfing.a rather dangerous sporting activity.However,he is not going to giveup his favourite sport.Write aletter to him,explaining why he should not take part in dangerous activities.Give suggestions about other sporting activities that may suit him.

A:
Dear Kenneth,
I heard that you have been injured in surfing.Are you feeling better now? I hope that you can recover from your illness quickly and please stop surfing and any dangerous activities! I am serious!
I know you are not going to give it up. You love surfing very much.Yet,you must realize that your family and friends are scared if you injure.You have to consider our feeling, we love you so much,you know? I heard of this event, a man who passed awaybecause of surfing so please don't do it after you recovered.
Also,you never think about the consequences whatever you do.You might think that surfing is useful to improve your health .However,my dear friend,there are many activities have the same function! For example,playing basketball,playing football are also helpful,right? Although you ought to bear risk when you play any sporting activities,the truth is that any activities are safer than surfing undoubtedly.As your friend,I know you prefer to do any exciting things but you never consider the consequences whenever. Actually your life is more important than everything,it is annoying that you don't have any awareness.
I extremely expect that you can understand what I am concerning about after you read my explanation .In order to let you continue to enjoy your sporting life, some sporting activities may suit you and will be shown as follows.
Playing basketball may take indispensable assistance to you.As a basketball player,I recommend you to play it! It is funny and exciting!It helps you to meet new friends.This activity not only helps you to improve your health,but also helps you to increase your communication skill as well.
Meanwhile, swimming is also a good choice.I think this activity is suitable for you absolutely! Surfing is your favourite sport and this is the most similar to surfing!I acknowledge that it is not as exciting as surfing but it is really funny!Believe me,trying to enjoy it and you will love it!
Perhaps,the activities I suggested are not your cup of tea.Nonetheless,you must give up your favourite sportingactivities.Owing to nothing is greater than life.Best wishes to you!I hope that you will be alright in any aspects.I am looking forward to hearing from you soon!

                                                                                Love,
                                                                                 Chris

[ 本帖最後由 mandy120 於 2015-10-24 01:30 PM 編輯 ]

king9060

恕我直言，其實評卷員改文見到第一段錯漏百出就有可能會由第一段跳到最後一段，快速睇一次然後評分。
我略略講下第一段錯D咩 (其實改完你第一段已經大致可以評level1-2)

I heard that you have been injured in surfing.
have been解"一直以來/已經"，佢無可能一直受傷到依家

Are you feeling better now? I hope that you can recover from your illness quickly
1.hope 換成 wish
2.illness 泛指疾病，而題目講佢受傷而唔係生病，因此illness 換成 injury
3.quickly 換成 as soon as possible

and please stop surfing and any dangerous activities! I am serious!
首先，我理解你想係一開始扣題，但建議對方唔好再做呢類型活動之餘應寫上原因
如：please stop surfing or any other dangerous activities to avoid further injuries.
另外呢個位用and係錯的。

I know you are not going to give it up.
換成give up / quit
如：I know you won't give up

You love surfing very much.
1.首先呢句應同上一句合拼
2.用詞過份淺白，我寫一句比你參考:I know you won't quit surfing since you're so enthusiastic about it.
3.very much係病句，應為you love surfing so much (其實獨立寫呢句野出黎已經錯曬)

基本上句句到有錯/用字過份淺白，改到呢度我已經可以打分評1-2級。

[ 本帖最後由 king9060 於 2015-10-24 11:16 PM 編輯 ]

mandy120

感謝賜教!!!