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標題: [Eng] 2015 paper 2 part A English writing 求狠評!! [打印本頁]

作者: seed3000 時間: 2016-2-26 06:19 PM 標題: 2015 paper 2 part A English writing 求狠評!!

想知有咩地方可以改善,唔該各位!

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A recent article in the Young Post suggested that an 8:00 am start to the school day makes students feel tried and sleepy. Write to the editor of the Young Post expressing views on the following:

-why students feel tired; and
-whether or not a 9:00 am start will solve the problem.

Some parts of the letter have been given to you.

Dear Editor,

Recently, There has been concern about students' deprivation of sleep. We all know that sleeping is important to not only humans but also to many animal creatures and that physical and mental problems arouse due to the lack of sleep.Some as a result proclaim that we should change the start to the school day to allow students sleep more. That is, to change the time to set off classes from 8:00 am to 9:00 am. I really think that it would be the great mean to deal with the problems.

To explain why it works, first we should take a close look to the reasons why students feel tired if they wake up earlier. The fundamental discrepancy between the biological clock of adults and adolescents is one on the list. Supported by scicentific research, teenagers do not fall asleep as early as adults. They usually feel sleepy at 11:00 am while adults feel such sleepiness at 10:00 am. This critical difference explains the reason why teenagers get into the bed later than adults. Not because they choose to do so, but because they cannot control it. This difference means that, with the fact that they are required to wake up earlier, they are deprived of sleeping. This explains why they seem tired when they wake up because they are supposed to be in bed at that time, according to their biological clock.

Another reason isthat these teenagers do need more sleep because they are in puberty. Adolescents, who are in puberty, need to sleep more in order to flourish their bodies and organs to enhance growth. At their age, they are designed to sleep more than adults just by following the growth mechanism. Average teenagers need to sleep at least 8 hours a day and if we do the math, youngsters, who fall asleep at 11:00 pm, as mentioned above, will definitely suffer from the deprivation of sleep if they are required to wake up earlier.

Changing the start to classes from 8:00 am to 9:00 am works because it makes sense. Assuming that students wake up at 7:00 am in a bit to prepare for schooling, they can sleep at least 8 hours a day if they do go to bed at 11:00 pm. With affluent amount of sleep, they can mentally and physically prepare themselves for the classes, pay more attention to the lectures and achieve better outcome. This is also a viable mean to deal with some current problems, such as the poor results students score originating from the deprivation of sleep.

All in all, I think such improvement is worth trying.

Yours faithfully,
Chris Wong

作者: seed3000 時間: 2016-2-26 06:21 PM

放返大小小先
A recent article in the Young Post suggested that an 8:00 am start to the school day makes students feel tried and sleepy. Write to the editor of the Young Post expressing views on the following:

-why students feel tired; and
-whether or not a 9:00 am start will solve the problem.

Some parts of the letter have been given to you.

Dear Editor,

Recently, There has been concern about students' deprivation of sleep. We all know that sleeping is important to not only humans but also to many animal creatures and that physical and mental problems arouse due to the lack of sleep.Some as a result proclaim that we should change the start to the school day to allow students sleep more. That is, to change the time to set off classes from 8:00 am to 9:00 am. I really think that it would be the great mean to deal with the problems.

To explain why it works, first we should take a close look to the reasons why students feel tired if they wake up earlier. The fundamental discrepancy between the biological clock of adults and adolescents is one on the list. Supported by scicentific research, teenagers do not fall asleep as early as adults. They usually feel sleepy at 11:00 am while adults feel such sleepiness at 10:00 am. This critical difference explains the reason why teenagers get into the bed later than adults. Not because they choose to do so, but because they cannot control it. This difference means that, with the fact that they are required to wake up earlier, they are deprived of sleeping. This explains why they seem tired when they wake up because they are supposed to be in bed at that time, according to their biological clock.

Another reason is that these teenagers do need more sleep because they are in puberty. Adolescents, who are in puberty, need to sleep more in order to flourish their bodies and organs to enhance growth. At their age, they are designed to sleep more than adults just by following the growth mechanism. Average teenagers need to sleep at least 8 hours a day and if we do the math, youngsters, who fall asleep at 11:00 pm, as mentioned above, will definitely suffer from the deprivation of sleep if they are required to wake up earlier.

Changing the start to classes from 8:00 am to 9:00 am works because it makes sense. Assuming that students wake up at 7:00 am in a bit to prepare for schooling, they can sleep at least 8 hours a day if they do go to bed at 11:00 pm. With affluent amount of sleep, they can mentally and physically prepare themselves for the classes, pay more attention to the lectures and achieve better outcome. This is also a viable mean to deal with some current problems, such as the poor results students score originating from the deprivation of sleep.

All in all, I think such improvement is worth trying.

Yours faithfully,
Chris Wong

作者: ben1002004 時間: 2016-2-26 09:45 PM

Generally, I think your writing style is fluent. But some of the words chosen are a bit inappropriate. If I am not wrong, which I always am, there will be no problem for you obtaining level 5. Detailed comments see below:

Dear Editor,

Recently, There has been concern about students' deprivation of sleep.
(deprivation is quite negative indicating the school is depriving students from their human rights, which is not true in this case.)

We all know that sleeping is important to not only humans but also to many animal creatures
(learn a new phrase - all walks of life)

and that physical and mental problems arouse due to the lack of sleep.
(the use of and is not appropriate because you are not linking two relevant ideas; also, arouse is a past participle with a positive meaning, so you need a verb and preferably change the wording.)

Some as a result proclaim that we should change the start to the school day to allow students sleep more.
(it should be start "of" instead of start "to". Different prepositions have different meanings, which if you want to dig deep, you may read some grammar books)

That is, to change the time to set off classes from 8:00 am to 9:00 am.
(it would be better if you include this to the earlier sentence - some as a result proclaim that we should change the start of school to 9:00 am from 8:00 am to allow students to be better-prepared for school.)

I really think that it would be the great mean to deal with the problems.
(means is singular meaning method, or way)

To explain why it works, first we should take a close look to the reasons why students feel tired if they wake up earlier.
(it can hardly be called a good topic sentence)

The fundamental discrepancy between the biological clock of adults and adolescents is one on the list.
(using the word discrepancy doesn't make you cooler, discrepancy has a negative meaning. But the sentence here is neutral.)

Supported by scicentific research, teenagers do not fall asleep as early as adults.
(spelling - scientific.

They usually feel sleepy at 11:00 am while adults feel such sleepiness at 10:00 am.
(what is feel such sleepiness? change it too, adults normally want to go to be as early as 10:00 am)

This critical difference explains the reason why teenagers get into the bed later than adults. Not because they choose to do so, but because they cannot control it.

This difference means that, with the fact that they are required to wake up earlier, they are deprived of sleeping.
(use if-condition, now you are making the sentence too redundant)

This explains why they seem tired when they wake up because they are supposed to be in bed at that time, according to their biological clock.

(this reason is not convincing enough because most research suggests differently)

Another reason is that these teenagers do need more sleep because they are in puberty.
(topic sentence is clear and pinpointed the main idea of the paragraph, good!)

Adolescents, who are in puberty, need to sleep more in order to flourish their bodies and organs to enhance growth.
(what is flourishing bodies? try to use easier words)

At their age, they are designed to sleep more than adults just by following the growth mechanism.
(good comparison)

Average teenagers need to sleep at least 8 hours a day and if we do the math, youngsters, who fall asleep at 11:00 pm, as mentioned above, will definitely suffer from the deprivation of sleep if they are required to wake up earlier.
((1) sleep for at least; (2) wrong use of and; (3) suffer from the lack of sleep; (4) double condition - you are not writing an excel programme; (5) no Maths is done. Change it to:
Average teenagers would need around 8 hours sleeping time everyday. A quick calculation shows that if students are required to be at school at 8, they will only have 7 hours to sleep, which is not enough.) - actually it is 8 hrs. Come on man, buckle up. Don't make mistake like this.

Changing the start to classes from 8:00 am to 9:00 am works because it makes sense.
(but your sentence doesn't make any sense. Try to tell people why it makes sense in the same sentence)

Assuming that students wake up at 7:00 am in a bit to prepare for schooling, they can sleep at least 8 hours a day if they do go to bed at 11:00 pm.
(what is in a bit to? 11-12;12-1;1-2;2-3;3-4;4-5;5-6;6-7; man, calculate how much time you have for sleeping)

With affluent amount of sleep, they can mentally and physically prepare themselves for the classes, pay more attention to the lectures and achieve better outcome.
(good parallelism, would be even better if you change it to, they can prepare themselves mentally and physically ...)

This is also a viable mean to deal with some current problems, such as the poor results students score originating from the deprivation of sleep.
(why do you need to elaborate on the problems while your focus is on students not having enough sleep for growing up?)

All in all, I think such improvement is worth trying.
(weak conclusion)

Yours faithfully,
Chris Wong

作者: seed3000 時間: 2016-2-27 10:05 AM

引用:

原帖由 ben1002004 於 2016-2-26 09:45 PM 發表
Generally, I think your writing style is fluent. But some of the words chosen are a bit inappropriate. If I am not wrong, which I always am, there will be no problem for you obtaining level 5. Detaile ...

寫得好詳細,thank you! 我之後寫文會留意吓

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