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標題: [Eng] Eng writing 求狠評!!!!!!!!!! [打印本頁]

作者: 地球和月亮 時間: 2016-3-13 12:15 PM 標題: Eng writing 求狠評!!!!!!!!!!

Learning English through Social Issues

Today, many parents exert considerable pressure on their children. Even children small as five are forced into taking different class every day after school. Write an essay analysing the causes of this phenomenon and how a tight schedule may impede the personal development of children.

Parents hope their children to be creme-de-la-creme and a "life-winner". There are even some sayings like “winning at the starting line”. Parents thus have been arranging various classes for their children after school. These classes not only exert a great pressure on children, but their leisure time is also deprived. Yet, what are the causes for such a phenomenon?

The keen competition in Hong Kong has created a mentality on parents that their children have to be multi-talented in order to be successful. It has been very competitive in housing, welfare and education. Similarly, getting into a prestigious school has become harder and harder. Parents are desperate to get their kids into these top-notch schools. In order to achieve so, parents arrange a variety of classes to train their kids to become all-around. As a result, a social atmosphere that offering loads of classes to children has become a must for parents so that their children can be a life-winner.

On the other hand, parents often wrongly percept that these classes must be beneficial to their children. It is undeniable that these classes shape their skill and raises their competitive edge. Nevertheless, not only can these skills be useless in their future, but parents have also missed the genuine feeling of their children and their authentic opinions. Most parents believe that their children are still too young to determine what suit them the best. Hence, parents often dominate the decision on classes for children or how packed their schedule should be.

As aforementioned, parents sometimes miss out the feeling of their children, therefore they arrange loads and loads of classes for their children. Consequently, how such arrangements would ham children’s personal development?

Doubtlessly, children are supposed to be happy. They are supposed to be enjoying the best time of their lives. They should not be anxious, worried and tired of their daily routine. Instead, they should be joyful, energetic, vibrant and anticipating the bright future of their lives. Nonetheless, nowadays, what we can see on children’s faces are sad, upset, devastating and hopeless. The daily routine of continuous classes one after another has exhausted them. Rather than playing, they tend to gain more rest. Isn’t that sarcastic? When they grow up, looking back, instead of feeling thankful of being multi-talented, they will probably feeling more a sense of missing part of the puzzle of their childhood memories. When children are thought to have a great diversity of happy, delighted memories, they do not. What they have in their memories is the frightening daily routine of countless classes. It is no doubt that these pressure from classes have exploited their genuine smile. Consequently, it explains the fact that why it is more and more common to see children being unable to stand such pressure and commit suicide.

Parent-child relationship will also be adversely affected from such phenomenon. Especially when parents are excessively adding more and more classes on children, children will gradually build up a reluctance to listen to their parents. Ultimately, they might become rebellious. Children will no longer listen to their parents and oppose to their parents. If we put ourselves in children’s shoes, we can easily actualise such feeling. Imagine ourselves as blue-collars, if we are excessively demanded to continuously work for over twenty hours by our boss without any extra wage, I bet no one is willing to take such job and simply quit. The same applies to children. However, the only difference is that they do not have the option to quit. Therefore, it is predictable why the relationship is worsened. Therefore, prints shall probably stop exerting pressure on children and start communicating with their children, to truly listen to their hearts.

After all, I believe parents love their children. Yet, it is the matter of how parents should show their love. It is always crucial for parents to communicate with their children to foster and develop a closer and better relationship.

作者: 靈兒` 時間: 2016-3-13 12:31 PM

Quite good! But I suggest that 'there is no doubt' rather than ''it is no doubt'
Your language is very fluent and accurate.
Points are convincing too.
I guess it is a lv 5 writing?

作者: notes6311 時間: 2016-3-13 01:35 PM

i guess its lv4-lv5,nearly lv5
i think that the topic sentences hv to be more obvious for makers
also, i think that u can also write about what the parents can do in the conclusion with a few lines

作者: 地球和月亮 時間: 2016-3-13 02:42 PM

引用:

原帖由 靈兒` 於 2016-3-13 12:31 PM 發表
Quite good! But I suggest that 'there is no doubt' rather than ''it is no doubt'
Your language is very fluent and accurate.
Points are convincing too.
I guess it is a lv 5 writing?

Much thanks for your comments! Would you mind telling me how should I improve if I am aiming for level 5*?

作者: 地球和月亮 時間: 2016-3-13 02:46 PM

引用:

原帖由 notes6311 於 2016-3-13 01:35 PM 發表
i guess its lv4-lv5,nearly lv5
i think that the topic sentences hv to be more obvious for makers
also, i think that u can also write about what the parents can do in the conclusion with a few lines

Ah icic...much obliged about ur comment!
then how shall I rephrase my topic sentence so that it is more obvious? Cuz I have tried to place my topic sentence at the beginning of each paragraph already..

作者: bannedhim 時間: 2016-3-13 06:33 PM

Doubtlessly is seldom used, doubtless is fine. It is also an adverb.

作者: 小祭` 時間: 2016-3-13 07:52 PM

引用:

原帖由 地球和月亮 於 2016-3-13 02:42 PM 發表

Much thanks for your comments! Would you mind telling me how should I improve if I am aiming for level 5*?

老實來說, 拎唔拎到星真系睇你好唔好運 5同5*有時真系唔系差好遠

[ 本帖最後由小祭` 於 2016-3-13 07:56 PM 編輯 ]

作者: 小祭` 時間: 2016-3-13 07:56 PM

順便一提,如果樓主想要再好D既話, 每段的第一句, 即系TP, 概括你整段既CONTENT, 甘睇落去會結構會更好
PS. 樓主你真系寫得唔錯, 特別鐘意樓主比較少刻意哂字

[ 本帖最後由小祭` 於 2016-3-13 07:57 PM 編輯 ]

作者: 地球和月亮 時間: 2016-3-13 10:10 PM

引用:

原帖由 小祭` 於 2016-3-13 07:52 PM 發表

老實來說, 拎唔拎到星真系睇你好唔好運 5同5*有時真系唔系差好遠

Haha不過我希望英文作文會拎到星咁惟有希望我到時好運啦
Btw 多謝你d comments it's really helpful!

作者: bryanfu926 時間: 2016-3-14 08:59 AM 標題: Comments (Part 1)

It is generally well-written, but you should pay attention to your sentence structures and the corresponding tenses.

Parents hope their children become... --> Nowadays, many parents want their children to become...
Parents thus have been --> Thus, parents have been/ Parents have thus been

Parallelism problem:
Correct: These classes not only exert great pressure on children but also deprive children of their free time.

*all-rounded *multi-talented --> talented in many areas

作者: bryanfu926 時間: 2016-3-14 09:12 AM 標題: part 2

As a result, a social atmosphere that offering loads of classes to children has become a must for parents so that their children can be a life-winner.
--> This is a run-on sentence.
Correction: As a result, offering loads of classes to children has become an unwritten rule, only to prepare their children to be a life winner.

Wrong use of linking adverb + collocation problem: On the other hand, parents often wrongly percept that these classes must be beneficial to their children.
--> However, parents often wrongly perceive these classes as being always useful to children
** Perceive + as + gerund/ noun phrase

Nevertheless, not only can these skills be useless in their future, but parents have also missed the genuine feeling of their children and their (unclear pronoun) authentic opinions
How will these skills be useless? Why?
Correction: Nevertheless, parents have ignored the genuine feeling of their children and muted the voice of their children.

**I can see that you have used a lot of memorized phrases. Be sure that you can understand how they should be put in a sentence or else that is going to cost you a lot of grammar marks.

作者: bryanfu926 時間: 2016-3-14 09:25 AM 標題: Part 3

Most parents believe that their children are still too young to determine(decide) what suit(s) them the best. Hence, parents often (dominate the decision on classes for children) --> (have the final say on what classes children take) or how (tightly) packed their schedule should be.

As (aforementioned) --> (mentioned above), parents sometimes (miss out) --> (ignore) the feeling of their children, (and) therefore(,) they arrange (loads and loads of -- this is informal) --> (many) classes for their children. Consequently, how such arrangements would ham children’s personal development? (Consequently is used to introduce a consequence rather than to raise another question) (Correction: How would such arrangements harm chilrden's personal development?)

作者: bryanfu926 時間: 2016-3-14 09:40 AM 標題: Part 4

Things in brackets without a correction should be deleted.

Doubtlessly (It is no doubt that children are supposed to be happy. They are supposed to be enjoying the best time of their lives. They should not be (feeling ok) anxious, worried and tired of their daily routine. Instead, they should be joyful, energetic, vibrant and anticipating the bright future of their lives. Nonetheless, nowadays, what we can see on children’s faces are sad(ness not really?), (delete upset ok), devastating (are you sure it is devastation?? should delete it) and hopeless(ness no). The daily routine of continuous classes (one after another -- redundant) has exhausted them. Rather than playing, they (tend to gain more rest) -- (would rather get some rest use this). Isn’t that sarcastic? When they grow up, looking back, instead of feeling thankful (of) → (for) being (multi-talented better) → (talented in many areas), they will probably feeling (will doesn’t go with -ing yes) more a sense of missing part of the puzzle of their childhood memories. When children are thought to have a (great diversity) → (lot) of happy, delighted memories, they do not. What they have in their memories is the frightening daily routine of countless classes. It is no doubt that the(se) pressure from classes have (exploited) → (taken away) their genuine smile. Consequently, it explains the fact (that) why it is more and more common to see children (being unable to stand) → (crumble under) such pressure and commit suicide.

Parent-child relationship will also be adversely affected (from) --> (by) such phenomenon, especially (especially doesn’t go at the beginning of sentence) when parents are (excessively) adding more and more classes on children, children will gradually build up a reluctance to listen to their parents. Ultimately, they might become rebellious. Children will no longer listen to their parents and (oppose to) → (fight) their parents (back). If we put ourselves in (the) children’s shoes, we can easily actualise such feeling. Imagine (that we are blue collars), if we are (excessively -- repetition + redundance) demanded to (continuously work) → (word order: work continuously) for over twenty hours by our boss without any extra wage, (I (bet -- wrong tone) no one is willing) → (no one WOULD be willing) to take such job and simply quit. The same applies to children. However, the only difference is that they do not have the option to quit. Therefore, (it is predictable why the relationship is worsened) → (a worsened relationship is almost expected). Therefore, prints (parents) (shall probably) → (should) stop exerting pressure on children and start communicating with their children (and) truly listen to their hearts.

After all, I believe (all) parents love their children. Yet, it is the matter of how parents should show their love. It is always crucial for parents to (communicate with) → (talk to) their children often to foster and develop a closer and better relationship.

作者: bryanfu926 時間: 2016-3-14 09:43 AM 標題: General comments

Hope you find my comments useful

Only by putting in phrases in the correct place can you score high mark in the grammar component. There is no use if you make grammar mistakes with these memorized phrases.

作者: bryanfu926 時間: 2016-3-14 09:46 AM 標題: One final thing

Instead of using "winning at the starting line", why not use "to give them a head start"?

作者: 地球和月亮 時間: 2016-3-14 02:20 PM 標題: 回覆 15# bryanfu926 的帖子

wow..I find your comments are genuinely helpful! My teacher has also been saying my grammatical mistakes will be the biggest disadvantage in the exam too!

I am using "winning at the starting line" mainly because this is directly translated from the Chinese "贏在起跑線上"

One last question, I would really love to improve my grammar, is there anything that I shall work on?

作者: bryanfu926 時間: 2016-3-14 10:21 PM

I'm delighted to find out that these comments are helpful to you

I think you can try doing some grammar exercise books (e.g. Macmillan Grammar in context) (if you still have time...) Those can really help you remember sentence structures and what tenses to use in them.

If you are 2016DSE then I'd suggest you studying the commonly used sentence patterns and remember them well. Pay attention to those conditionals, position of adverbs, and all in all the collocations. I have noticed that the collocations of words are causing you some troubles.

Add oil in DSE

)

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