標題: [Eng] 2012 DSE ENG PAPER2 PARTA 求評 [打印本頁]
作者: bakhan.golden 時間: 2016-4-5 10:12 AM 標題: 2012 DSE ENG PAPER2 PARTA 求評
The best part of my job
Being a famous news reporter for Hong Kong News, my responsibility is to report news in front of recording camera footage. I have to communicate with people from all walks of life for several reasons. For instance, acquiring first hand information, questioning for opinions, or simply leisure talks. No matter they are the shareholders of listed enterprises, or housewives, as they are having different family backdrops, and different career pathways, they would have unique and incredible ordeal to share with me.
On the other hand, this job benefits me by enlarging my social network. Before a decade or so, I was a quiet, inert high school student, with not much friends. Some teachers even puzzled if I had mentor disorder in knowing people or not. However, after I have become a news reporter, I have more contacts with people, and so I have more opportunities to make friends, sharing happiness and anxiety with them.
The biggest challenge I have ever faced in my job
Few years before, there was a spate of cases, in which some Hong Kong citizens disappeared. Later, Hong Kong Police discovered that the cases are in fact human trafficking, So the special units of police took action, arrested the criminals inside a scrapped house.
When I was reporting the action taken by police, a criminal dashed towards me, holding a knife pointing to my neck, seemingly wanted to threaten the police. At that moment, I was very devastated. In case I or the police have done something wrong, I would become lethal in a spur of moment. Fortunately, the police force are sophisticated and well-trained. The sniper killed the criminal immediately and I was rescued.
This was the biggest challenge I have ever faced because I have never envisaged that I would become a hostage one day. Finally, all victims being kidnapped are rescued, and the syndicate was completely deformed.
My school day
As I have mentioned before, I was a quiet and inert student when I was in high school. This situation changed a year before I graduated when I met my mentor, Mr Chris Wong. He is my class teacher, He encouraged me to meet more friends, and concerned more about the news, so I can express my thoughts with counterparts. This sparked my interest in becoming a news reporter. I, being a willful person, prone to study journalism degree programme and finally worked as a news reporter.
The another mentor
My boss, who was used to be a news reporter, and now become the head of a TV company. When I was first working in this company, I could not tolerate such an immense pressure when reporting news in front of a camera footage on account of lacking experience. My boss, gave me advices on every single steps in my news reporting for hundreds of thousands of times. My ability and experience in reporting news kept on skyrocketing, which finally prompt me to become a household news reporter. I would like to thank my mentor, for giving me such opportunities and unconditional helps,
作者: 靈兒` 時間: 2016-4-5 04:26 PM
Generally it is fluent and it seems that you have good language, but it can be improved.
Yet, please be aware of your run-on sentences. I cannot understand why you put the comma in some sentences.
careless grammatical mistake--> advices --> advice.
I or the police --> The police or I
mentor disorder--> mental disorder?
prone to--> usually we will use it as an adjective
not much friends -->... friend is countable.
sometimes your tense is quite confusing.
作者: bakhan.golden 時間: 2016-4-5 04:31 PM
引用:
原帖由 靈兒` 於 2016-4-5 04:26 PM 發表 
Generally it is fluent and it seems that you have good language, but it can be improved.
Yet, please be aware of your run-on sentences. I cannot understand why you put the comma in some sentences.
...
Are my grammar mistakes fatal? 
作者: bakhan.golden 時間: 2016-4-5 09:17 PM
pishh
作者: 靈兒` 時間: 2016-4-5 11:52 PM
引用:
原帖由 bakhan.golden 於 2016-4-5 04:31 PM 發表
Thank you Are my grammar mistakes fatal?
I think you should try to improve your sentence structure first, because you made many run-on sentences.
For example, Before a decade or so, I was a quiet, inert high school student, with not much friends.
Why do you use the comma between quiet and inert?
I was a quiet and inert high school student with a few friends.
Good luck in DSE.
作者: bakhan.golden 時間: 2016-4-6 06:27 AM
引用:
原帖由 靈兒` 於 2016-4-5 11:52 PM 發表
In fact, some of them are careless mistakes, but some of them you should be aware not making them anymore becoz it does reflect your language proficiency.
I think you should try to improve your se ...
作者: ryanyip 時間: 2016-4-6 07:21 AM
777777
作者: bakhan.golden 時間: 2016-4-6 06:36 PM
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作者: kelvin0714 時間: 2016-4-6 07:18 PM
I also believe that your writing is quite good, despite some room for imporvement:
For grammatical accuracy, it is OK
careless grammatical mistake--> advices --> advice.
I or the police --> The police or I
mentor disorder--> mental disorder
I don't know whether they are typos, but you had better have no grammatical inaccuracy in DSE.
For the contents, you lacked some solid examples to illustrate your answer / argument.
In the part of "The best part of my job", you can cite some celebrities, like Obama, or Donald Trump, etc. In the part of "The biggest challenge I have ever faced in my job", you can cite some events (current affairs), such as Mong Kok Riots, Occupy Central Movement, for the sake of better impression.
You are reminded to ask a few questions in this writing since this is a "feature article". And you have to attract the interests of students. e.g. Rheotical questions, question tags.
For language used, you have shown a spectrum of vocabular items and sentence patterns, but you can make good use of other patterns like inversion, adj patterns.
This may be a level 4 writing. Add oil! I'm also a 2016 DSE candidate!
作者: bakhan.golden 時間: 2016-4-6 10:34 PM
Did you join K___ ___ or B____ N_ 's tutorial classes?
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