本區搜索:
Yahoo!字典
打印

[Eng] [求不留情狠評]CE essay about pseudo model

[隱藏]

[求不留情狠評]CE essay about pseudo model

Your friend, Chrissie is going to be a teen model. Write a letter to her and tell her your opinion with reasons.
  
  Dear Chrissie,

  I have learned that you are going to be a pseudo model in your letter. During the last summer, teen models began to arouse concern and fuel controversy. The burgeoning numbers of teen models makes me afraid that you will be the next who fails into the trap.

  First and foremost, do you misunderstand that being a teen model is just a piece of cake? I can definitely tell you it is not! Although those well-known pseudo models earn a high
income of millions, this is high-earned money. To the best of my knowledge, before being a model, you are urged to take part in training program last for a quarter. Are you capable of having such leisure time? Moreover, when you are being a pseudo-model. It is inevitable for you to wear scanty clothes and strike cute poses for a long period. Are you still sure that you are well-prepared for being a model?
  
  The broader concern is that you will be pressurized while you are a teen model. There is no denying that being a teen model is the springboard to help you to become popular and
enjoy as well as a celebrity. On the other hand, you are restricted by your agency that you cannot do a myriad of things. Once you have became a celebrity, adolescents will follow you.And that is not all.

  You must not have any scandals, otherwise, you agency will promptly fire you. Owing to the paparazzi, while you are famous, they will throw a spotlight on you, resulting in facing
immense attacks from the public even though you have done nothing special. Worse until, paparazzi will infringe your daily life and family, under no circumstances should you do things without courtesy.

  Being a pseudo model will make you feel compelled to do things you hate. You need to be decent all the while. Therefore, it is imperative for you to have psychological preparation.Be that as it may, if you insist in being a model. I suggest you better start it until you are mature enough. Undeniable, you are gifted to be a model. It is conceived that you can survive in the keen competition. Yet, you are still far from sufficient preparation now.

  Hope my letter can discourage your decision. If I were you, I would think on the above suggestions. Hope my oppose will not deteriorate our friendship.

Regards,
Chris Wong



小弟只想aim at level 4 ~ 5 ,可能嗎
   

TOP

其實你要知道依家CE係用IMPRESSION MARKING
你比人地第一個印象要好好

首先第1段 太過FORMAL
你係要寫比個FRIEND
唔係寫比你老闆
用I have learned that you are going to be a pseudo model in your letter.其實唔適當
用少少EXPRESSION開頭會好好多

do you misunderstand that being a teen model is just a piece of cake?
其實係CHIN-GLISH
你唔會問人地你係唔係MISUNDERSTAND
你只會話比人地聽你已經有呢個MISUNDERSTANDING

To the best of my knowledge, before being a model, you are urged to take part in training program last for a quarter.
太陳腔濫調!!!!!
根本唔需要寫太多To the best of my knowledge呢D
MARKER會覺得背文
SIMPLE ENGLISH IS GOOD ENGLISH is always the golden rule!!!

仲有第2段用得太多反問
太累贅
你同個FRIEND講野
唔係同緊個犯講野!!!!

其實跟住我已經唔想睇
STYLE係一個好大問題
我諗會考MARKER都會好似我咁
睇到第2段咁多錯已經唔想睇
始終佢地改得快改得多可以賺多D$

建議:擺多D心機係頭兩段同結尾 可以IMPRESS MARKER!!!
GRADE:4

TOP

1. 我諗你係一個火爆既friend : e.g. "do you misunderstand that.....it is not!" "You must not..."
2. 太formal : e.g. first and foremost, arouse concern and fuel controversy
3. 少少grammar 問題 : e.g. "There is no denying that", "you are urged to take part in training program last for a quarter"
4. 用詞問題 "you are urged?" "having such leisure time", "pressurized",  "worse until", "be decent all the while"
5. 阻嚇好重要不過語氣唔好太重
6. You don't use "Regards" in an informal letter
7. 論點ok
>>>閱讀分享區<<<

I am studying at HKUST! If you have any questions regarding HKUST and any programmes, you are welcomed to contact me!

TOP

引用:
原帖由 <i>wesley1218</i> 於 2010-3-26 02:14 PM 發表 <a href="http://lsforum.net/board/redirect.php?goto=findpost&pid=1872273&ptid=129120" target="_blank"><img src="http://lsforum.net/board/images/common/back.gif" border="0" onload="if(this.width>screen.width*0.7) {this.resized=true; this.width=screen.width*0.7; this.alt='Click here to open new window\nCTRL+Mouse wheel to zoom in/out';}" onmouseover="if(this.width>screen.width*0.7) {this.resized=true; this.width=screen.width*0.7; this.style.cursor='hand'; this.alt='Click here to open new window\nCTRL+Mouse wheel to zoom in/out';}" onclick="if(!this.resized) {return true;} else {window.open(this.src);}" onmousewheel="return imgzoom(this);" alt="" /></a><br />
其實你要知道依家CE係用IMPRESSION MARKING<br />
你比人地第一個印象要好好<br />
<br />
首先第1段 太過FORMAL<br />
你係要寫比個FRIEND<br />
唔係寫比你老闆<br />
用I have learned that you are going to be a pseudo model in your le ...
<br />

可否講下點impress個marker?thx

TOP

C: 5/6

A: 4/6
又一疑似冇Proofread ge writing
英文好都係要proofread

O: 5/6

G: 3/6
今次我要大扣你li 個分
一黎太嚴肅, 請留意, 你係寫信俾fd
唔需要用一大堆深字


17/24 (4-)
附件: 您所在的用戶組無法下載或查看附件
POST 文者請注意: POST 之前請PROOFREAD 清楚

TOP

C: 5/6
A: 3/6
O: 4/6
G: 3/6
Total: 15/24
level 3-4

poor in Genre!
ought to be more informal and friendly

ALSO,
THE SIMPLER THE BETTER IN CE!
有痚茪中, UE, Econ, PA, BS Notes及Mock卷
適合DSE考生!
有需要可PM本人, 或者電郵至funni_baby@yahoo.com.hk

TOP

唔該哂大家既意見
可能依2年太注重寫formal letter
無做到關於informal letter既訓練

我明白會考唔係一味show off d vocab
要符合題目!!
多謝大家 有信心可以係會考overall拎5啦

TOP

杯屠柿料屎炙丈屎

TOP

Hope my letter can discourage your decision.

你點會同人講明你封信係叫人放棄, 你係感化, 唔係命令

TOP

重要聲明:小卒資訊論壇 是一個公開的學術交流及分享平台。 論壇內所有檔案及內容 都只可作學術交流之用,絕不能用商業用途。 所有會員均須對自己所發表的言論而引起的法律責任負責(包括上傳檔案或連結), 本壇並不擔保該等資料之準確性及可靠性,且概不會就因有關資料之任何不確或遺漏而引致之任何損失或 損害承擔任何責任(不論是否與侵權行為、訂立契約或其他方面有關 ) 。