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[Eng] 第一次post writing. 請狠評^^

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第一次post writing. 請狠評^^


TASK1 Q.1
In the recent year, the issue of hikikomori has raised a lot of concern. These young people face many problems when they entering to society. Many organizations have triggered a series of actions in order to help these people. The following is my views about the problems these teen face and some propose ways to help them.

First of all, these young people find it is difficult to communicate with others. They completely withdraw themselves form society so they seldom or even never speak to others. Therefore, they do not know how to communicate with others or afraid to talk with strangers. It becomes a barrier for them to find a job. For instance, when they find jobs, they have to be interviewed but their weak communicative ability would totally affect their performance and opportunity to get a job.

Secondly, their fluctuated motions will lead some extreme behaviors. As they would not and do not know how to find someone to express their unhappiness when they are in a bad mood, they will suddenly be extremely angry or upset. As a result, they may do some extreme behaviors, such as suicide and use knife to attack others, which are not the uncommon things we can read on newspaper.

The best way to release the phenomenon is that the government and the relevant organizations should strongly promote the seriousness of issue of hikikomori. They can create some TV advertisements and launch fun fair about hikikomori to raise people’s concern and let them know how to deal with when their siblings or children are hikikomori. In fact, Hikikomori’s family should let social workers interfere as soon as possible so the hikikomori can have earlier counseling and they can integrate to society earlier too.

Hikikomori always stay in front of computers. The government and the relevant organizations can set up a website for them to express their feelings and some professional social workers can give suitable responses to counsel them.

To summarize, Hikikomori is hard to interact with others and control their motions so we should try hard to give supports and counseling to them to let them fit into society.
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"in the recent year" --> in recent years OR in the current year OR nowadays
find it difficult  ---> "is" is inappropriate
for them to find a job ---> for them to find jobs (because of the use of the word "they")
lead TO some extreme behaviors (actually the whole sentence sounds strange...)
release the phenomenon !? ---> solve the problem!?
motion --> do you mean emotions ? motion is more sort of 'physical' in a sense

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引用:
原帖由 123happy 於 2010-5-4 07:45 PM 發表
"in the recent year" --> in recent years OR in the current year OR nowadays
find it difficult  ---> "is" is inappropriate
for them to find a job ---> for them to find jobs (because of the use  ...
thank you
咁lead TO some extreme behaviors 點改好

同大約有咩grade??

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你話lead 應該係lead to
打漏左~ 哈哈
不過我其實唔識分grade
因為我精英班老師話我地班D英文作文都夠5*
其他唔知情況係點。。。

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