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[Eng] I am 334生 請狠批+suggestion!!!Witness report

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I am 334生 請狠批+suggestion!!!Witness report

Short Writing about 200 words 45 minutes.
Please point out all factual and language errors.



  On Friday, 12th May at about 8:15am, I was walking along with the Second Alley during the journey to school. When I was passing the cross of First and Second Alley, I saw two suspected men- one tall and slim, another one short and fat- were rushing in the First Alley due to Third Alley as if they were the thieves. The lanky man wore a black jacket with hood, a pair of dark blue trousers and packed a yellow ‘OKO’ brand handbag, the stocky one wore a white wind coat with a red rhombus pattern and a number ‘two’ was printed inside the rhombus in the back of the jacket.

Just idle curiosity, I followed them silently. An instant later, I heard the taller man said,” I’ll be glad to take this stocking off my face.” As they arrived the Third Alley, they suddenly stopped and took off their top dressing. Then, the lanky man threw his and the stocky man’s jacket into a dirty rubbish bin near the wall. After that, he reported,” I’ve hidden our clothes.” Next, the stocky man opened the cover of drain and dropped a black, gun-liked thing into the hole. I was puzzled if it was a handgun, hoped that it wasn’t.
“I’ve dropped the gun down the drain. Let’s go!” The fat man with a scar in his left face used his finger to touch his droopy moustache and yelled. I had realized that they were robbery thieves, my hands started to shake and my body was trembling after the stocky man claimed that he threw the gun into the drain hole. As I looked at them again, a red taxi had packed them up and was leaving the street quickly due to the direction of City A. It was 8:45am.  
                                                                                                                                                                           T.Tang
(300words)





[ 本帖最後由 s00100630 於 2010-7-21 09:20 PM 編輯 ]
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good content with good vocab.
nice ideas and detailed description!

C: 7   L: 6    O: 6
-----------------------------
19/21 (A)

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引用:
原帖由 victor808 於 2010-7-21 08:32 PM 發表
good content with good vocab.
nice ideas and detailed description!

C: 7   L: 6    O: 6
-----------------------------
19/21 (A)
真系咁好??  =  =
Vocab 自問差....

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回覆 #3 s00100630 的帖子

不如我反問你啦,你點解覺得自己vocab差?
從你這文章,viocab 真係好好。
出去無6都5。

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引用:
原帖由 victor808 於 2010-7-21 08:43 PM 發表
不如我反問你啦,你點解覺得自己vocab差?
從你這文章,viocab 真係好好。
出去無6都5。
因為我形容果2條友果時用左好少vocab..
而且D未又simple..
所以吾值咁高分

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回覆 #5 s00100630 的帖子

坦言,你篇文章不錯的。
最低都18吧。

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引用:
原帖由 victor808 於 2010-7-21 08:52 PM 發表
坦言,你篇文章不錯的。
最低都18吧。
多謝

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可能我給分高了一點。
本人朋友(一位英文系大學生)
評: 用字不錯,結構一般。

c:6
L: 6
O: 5
--------------
17

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引用:
原帖由 victor808 於 2010-7-21 09:02 PM 發表
可能我給分高了一點。
本人朋友(一位英文系大學生)
評: 用字不錯,結構一般。

c:6
L: 6
O: 5
--------------
17
THX
不過
借問有可以地方改善阿??

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回覆 #9 s00100630 的帖子

改善結構,可能你寫得太多字了,有點0亂。

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引用:
原帖由 victor808 於 2010-7-21 09:19 PM 發表
改善結構,可能你寫得太多字了,有點0亂。
thx.
不過要差吾多200字
其實有D難..

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VOCAB GRAMMAR 我5敢多講,因為我自己都5係勁
OVERALL 黎講, 你篇文有D似NARRATIVE 多過REPORT
因為你係堶悼[左D 情感,,但呢D 情感對成件目擊事件係冇幫助的
EG, "I was puzzled if it was a handgun, hoped that it wasn’t." 呢一句對於我來說係冇意義既, 因為你希5希望支槍同成件案冇幫助,另外,我覺得作為目擊證詞最好5用D 懷疑既字詞,,會減低說服力[我冇作過呢類文題,但我只係從COMMEN SENSE 去唸];
但"Just idle curiosity, I followed them silently" 呢個情感可以解釋你去跟蹤既動機,,較為有用
另一個POINT 要注意既係5好加D 5可以從圖中合理拓展出來的東西
EG 1. THIRD ALLEY,second alley 其實所有事情都係發生係FIRST ALLEY, 你可以留意到DRAIN HOLE 係係第一幅圖的
其實你家2ND, 3RD 5係5得,,只係會更加亂而已..你唸下一個考官睇慣左所有野都係FIRST ALLEY 發生,突然之間走過2ND,3RD 出黎,,佢要重新理解你成篇文,,,其實一篇短文,我5見意你放太多心機係堶.,,最緊要fulfill task requirement
而且成件事跟本係可以80肯定係FIRST ALLEY 發生,,再加上其他ALLEY 顯得牽強
2. 原果你幅圖真係黑白...咁就5駛去為D衫衫褲褲加顏色..反而DESCRIBE 返衣服特徵較好..始終係SHORT TASK(?!) 5好詳述D 同大路野冇關的東西
3. "used his finger to touch his droopy moustache" 圖中並沒有顯示
4. TAXI 有車牌號碼都5講?!..咁重要既INFO,,,好過講去CITY A,因為CITY A又係無中生有


我5係好明I’ll be glad to take this stocking off my face

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引用:
原帖由 chumchun 於 2010-7-22 05:02 PM 發表
VOCAB GRAMMAR 我5敢多講,因為我自己都5係勁
OVERALL 黎講, 你篇文有D似NARRATIVE 多過REPORT
因為你係堶悼[左D 情感,,但呢D 情感對成件目擊事件係冇幫助的
EG, "I was puzzled if it was a handgun, hoped ...
I’ll be glad to take this stocking off my face
呢句我都吾明..
我仲以為要作好多野tim..
原來咁樣仲亂..
多謝你的suggestion+comment

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