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[求助] 英文作文求評grade

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英文作文求評grade

題目: Your school has decided to confine all students to the school grounds at lunch time . Students will not be allowed to go home or eat out and may only have lunch supplied by the school caterer . As President of your Students' Association , writhe a letter to your school principal protesting against the new rule . Provide three reasons why you and your fellow students oppose this plan .


解答:
Dear principal:


The policy which constricts students to have their lunch inside the campus is triggering a lots of problems. It seems not really important for where to eat. However, it will cause a number of bad impacts to them. For this reason, I am going to express my views for it.


To start with, the student will get more unhealthy. It is worth to concern because teenagers who are growing up rapidly need nutritional food. Still, the caterer where located at our school has a lack of these. By counting the food like chips, cup noodles and fish balls, the student is more unlikely to have a healthy meal in the campus.  Keep having these junk food will cause them several physical problems like obesity. It leads them diseases like heart-attack. Thus, it is essential to let them having lunch outside the restaurants to get healthy food.


Secondly, locking the student up will decrease their motive to learn. To acquire knowledge at school, they spend tuns of nerves for understanding what the teachers taught. If we still wanted them to have their lunch at campus, it makes them staying at the same place for too long. The scientists revealed that students, who have stayed at a place for a long time, will lose their concentration to learn the rest of the lessons after lunch. By recovering it, switching a different place for a moment works. It helps them to relax and prepare to the following lessons. As a result, we should release them from the campus after the lunch started.


Last but not least, they have the rights to choose where they want to meal. Schools are not the place to prison students, but to provide knowledge. What we should focus is how to make them learn well.  Where they meal should not concern schools. If we buckle them up in the school, they might consider themselves as prisoners. It does nothing for academy but ruins their wills to learn. WIth this in mind, we should give them the rights about the choice.


On the other hand, I can understand that the purpose of holding them at school is to secure their safety. No doubt that they are too young for handling bad people on their own, such as thieves, gangs. These criminals are able to steal or to attack them for money when they are having lunch outside. Yet, it only ensures them in a safer place when lunch, not for 24 hours. The student can be hurted by these people when they are going home too. Obviously, restricting students does not avoid that serious problem.


Summarizing the views as above, I hope you consider to abort this policy. It is necessary to give them a healthy food, a freedom of choice and faith to learn about protecting themselves, and assist them to adapt the society sooner. Is not it the school's aim?


Yours sincerely,
John
The President of Students' Association

[ 本帖最後由 gamelifeking 於 2013-9-7 11:56 PM 編輯 ]
   

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Your essay is not enough for a pass yet.

On content:
*the first point doesn't stand, because the "lunch provided by school caterer" is the lunchboxes rather than snacks.
*In the "on the other hand" paragraph, you try to show understanding about why the school takes such measures. However, since you are required to oppose the plan, you should further emphasize that even the school has concerns for security, they shouldn't lock the students but instead should think of something else. This doesn't stand out well in the paragraph.

On use of language:
*you use some words wrongly
a number of bad impacts -> usu have an impact rather "a number of"
prison students -> prison is a noun.
tuns of nerves -> it's "tons". plus you don't say tons of nerves learning things...you may spend much effort on learning or take much time, but seldom "nerves on learning"...and not "tons of nerves" either.
they have a right to choose where they want to meal -> again meal is a noun. you should say "have a meal" or "dine" etc.
It leads them diseases -> it leads them to diseases.

are you f.6? if so you should start reading lots of newspapers and articles and try to learn how common words are used. go for some easy articles like those in the young post. try to use the patterns you learn in your passages. don't learn new vocab. just learn how common words are used. it helps you secure a pass.
if you are just a senior secondary student, try practice speaking more english with someone good in english. have him/her point out any mistakes in your words.
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