col228

Your composition has shown some awareness on the formality as this is a letter. However, mind the use between singular and plural nouns which is a very fundamental element in English.

Throughout your compo, I've noticed that there are abuses of using commas inappropriately like Chinese eg. . I heard about your renovation to the local fitness centre, it is really a boon to our community. You should use a full stop or rewrite it as : I heard about your renovation to the local fitness centre, the benefit of which can contribute it to the society. The choice of words are okay but there is much room for you to improve your sentence structures. Try not to confine yourself under SVO and use more versatile sentences. Overusing sentence-initial conjunctions will just show your weakness on using the use of diverse sentence structure.

In view of your contents, to be frank, you can try to think of other aspects and generalize it into different perspectives. eg, In terms of XXX (like the environmentally, the economical consideration or the health of adolescents, etc). This really helps the marker reading and understanding your points more effectively. Marker-friendly is a key point to attain a high score in DSE.

Your compo is quite satisfactory (though you can improve a lot) and so I will give you like
C: 4-5/7
L: 5/7
O: 4/7
T=13-14/21 (Roughly like a level 4 performance)

Good luck to your coming DSE!