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[Eng] 英文作文求狼評

英文作文求狼評

[求狠評]條題目求期上網搵,請各高手幫幫眼睇下咩GRADE

Question: A recent survey has indicated that the number of junior secondary students who smoke has been soaring over the past few years. Write an article entitled ‘Teenage Smoking’ for your school magazine explaining why more and more teenagers smoke nowadays and suggesting ways to reduce teenage smoking.

Teenage Smoking

Walking through the street, you may find a kid who is in school uniform and apparently under fifthteen smoking like an old hand. Weird as it seems, this scene is becoming more common in our society. One cannot deny that the problem of teenage smoking is deteriorating, which was also proven by a recent survey. To study the issue of teenage smoking, I,being the same generation and familiar with the situations, would like to suggest the underlying reasons of teenage smoking and throw out some ideas tackling the horrific issue.

Different kinds of pressures, no doubt, are the major reason of teenage smoking. Nowadays, students are facing enormous pressures coming from several sources. Parents, demanding great academic achievement of their children, are obviously the major one. Pushing them to different tutorial classes, preparing thousands of exercise for them,  have already freaked out our youth. Coupled with other pressures originated from peers and from relationship problems with other sexes, make the situation even worse. Some adolescents have no choice but to resort to smoking to relieve their pressure. Once one in a friend circle starts smoking, others may follow suit due to peer’s pressure, which makes the problem more severe.

The best way to alleviate the problem is through proper counseling. Schools should provide appropriate lessons to guide their students to relieve pressure in a more healthy fashion. Enough manpower like social workers should also be put in place to detect emotions of the teens, so that we can adopt immediate approaches to help and they won’t rely on smoking. Parents definitely play a role in solving the problem, they should communicate with their children more and understand their real needs. Only by a concerted effort by all parties can the problem be tackled.

Besides pressures, easier access to cigarette also increases the number of teenagers who smoke. Household income is generally increasing in recent years. Parents who do not have time to spare with their kids are willing to give more pocket money to their kids as a compensation. Moreover, even though the government has announced the harsher tax for cigarette, the smuggling of cigarette makes the price rather stable or even lower. All these economic factors have altogether contributed to the rising trend of teenager smoking.

Our government, thus, plays an important role in this regard. It should pay an extra effort in the clamp down on cross-border smuggling. In the meantime, the enforcement against selling illegal cigarette should be enhanced, with severer penalty put in place. On the other hand, the government should strengthen the education of cigarette seller not to vend any cigarette to those under eighteen. If the accessibility of cigarette for teenager is lower, their incentives to smoke would also be lower.

Smoking is by no means a healthy habit, both physically and psychologically. To safeguard our innocent teenage, extra work should be done. If the government, schools and parents all turn a blind eye on this issue, the problem would just be deteriorating and we would see the weird scenes more often.
   

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[隱藏]
Walking through the street, you may find a kid who is in school uniform and apparently under fifthteen smoking like an old hand<---- clumsy
The Chinese University of Hong Kong

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One thing you shd bear in mind is that a transitional paragraph shd be included between the causes and the solutions
【寫文•真正•最神】 一堂無敵作文綜合課程
http://lsforum.net/board/thread-246961-1-1.html

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U have a plenty of words. it is worth appreciated.
however, there are different mistake on grammar and sentence structure.
finally, i recommend u that u should pay more attention to refine your foundation
A old saying goes, u have to learn to walk before u can run.
I THINK U CAN DO BETTER , GO FOR IT~

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The content is generally relevant, but some ideas are not logically developed or well-elaborated.
e.g. You did not justify why "some adolescents have no choice but to resort to smoking to relieve their pressure"

A good topic sentences should be able to summarize the main ideas of the paragraph. In paragraph 4, the topic sentence is not in line with the main idea that economic factors have contributed to teenager smoking (cheaper =/= easier to access)

Also, pay attention to audience awareness and word choice. Your schoolmates are the readers, so try not to say something like "I, being the same generation and familiar with the situations" or "to safeguard our innocent teenage" because it is too arrogant.

Some sentence fragments are found, e.g. "Coupled with other pressures originated from peers and from relationship problems with other sexes, make the situation even worse." (no subject)

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Question: A recent survey has indicated that the number of junior secondary students who smoke has been soaring over the past few years. Write an article entitled ‘Teenage Smoking’ for your school magazine explaining why more and more teenagers smoke nowadays and suggesting ways to reduce teenage smoking.

Teenage Smoking

Walking through〔^on] the street, you may find a kid who is in school uniform and apparently under fifthteen smoking like an old hand. Weird as it seems, this scene is becoming more common in our society. One cannot deny that the problem of teenage smoking is deteriorating, which was also proven by a recent survey. [ To study the issue of teenage smoking, I, being the same generation and familiar with the situations, would like to suggest the underlying reasons of teenage smoking and throw out some ideas tackling the horrific issue.] [^What has caused this problem and how can it be addressed?]

Different kinds of pressures, no doubt, are the major reason of [^for] teenage smoking. Nowadays, students are facing enormous pressures coming from several sources. Parents, demanding great academic achievement of [^achievements from] their children, are obviously the [^a] major one [^major source of pressures]. Pushing them [^their children] to different tutorial classes, preparing thousands of exercise [^exercises] for them,  have already freaked out our youth. Coupled with other pressures originated [^originating] from peers and from relationship problems with other sexes [^the opposite sex], [^where is the subject?] make the situation even worse. Some adolescents have no choice but to resort to smoking to relieve their pressure. Once one in a friend circle [^a peer] starts smoking, [^the] others may follow suit due to peer’s pressure [^due to peer pressure], which makes the problem more severe.

The best way to alleviate the problem is through proper counseling. Schools should provide appropriate lessons to guide their students to relieve pressure in a more healthy fashion. Enough manpower like social workers should also be put in place [^deployed] to detect emotions of the teens [^detect any emotional problems of the teenagers], so that we can adopt immediate approaches to help [^timely action can be taken] and they won’t rely on smoking. Parents definitely play a role in solving the problem, [^and] they should communicate with their children more and understand their real needs. Only by a concerted effort [^Only through concerted efforts] by all parties can the problem be tackled.

Besides pressures, easier access to cigarette [^cigraettes] also increases the number of teenagers who smoke. Household income is [^has] generally [^been] increasing in recent years. Parents who do not have time to spare with their kids are willing to give more pocket money to their kids as a [^delete] compensation. Moreover, even though the government has announced the [^a] harsher tax for cigarette [^cigarettes], the smuggling of cigarette [^cigarettes] makes the price rather stable or even lower. All these economic factors have altogether contributed to the rising trend of teenager smoking.

Our government, thus, plays an important role in this regard. It should pay an extra effort [^make extra efforts] in the clamp down [^clampdown] on cross-border smuggling. In the meantime, the enforcement against selling illegal cigarette [^cigarettes] should be enhanced, with severer penalty put in place [^with more severe penalties]. On the other hand, the government should strengthen the education of cigarette seller [^vendors] not to vend [^sell] any cigarette to those under eighteen. If the accessibility of cigarette for teenager is lower, their incentives to smoke would also be lower. [If teenagers have lower access to cigarettes, they will have less incentive to smoke.]

Smoking is by no means a healthy habit, both physically and psychologically. To safeguard our innocent teenage [^teeangers], extra work should be done. If the government, schools and parents all turn a blind eye on [^to] this issue, the problem would just be deteriorating and we would see the weird scenes [^scene] more often.




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