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[Eng] 2015英作Part B Q.3(You are never too old to live your dreams) 求狠評!!

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2015英作Part B Q.3(You are never too old to live your dreams) 求狠評!!

本人係今屆2016DSE既考生,但係我英文水平都係一般,希望可以拎到4返黎,希望各位大大們可以狠評我篇文!
得既話希望可以比埋comment,或者講比我知邊到錯左

THANKYOU SO MUCH!!!!


Situation:


The Hong Kong Drama Association is planning to organize a drama competition for secondary school students. The theme is "You are never too old to live your dreams". Students are invited to submit stories. The winning story will be turned into a play by the Association. Your story should be about the elderly realizing their dreams.


Ariticle:


Alex, a 67 year-old retired bank clerk, whose dream is to film an inspirational story.

‘The Best Film Award in 32nd Hong Kong Film Awards is ‘The Greatest Wish’.Congratulation!’ a host said with a broad smile. A man who had the grey hairs,a flowing white beard, whose face was heavily smile – Alex was walking on the stage and got the award. Then said, ‘ I feel very unexpected and unbelievable that I was awarded. I pursue to produce a film over half of my lifetime and achievement eventually! Even you are an elderly, you still can realize your dream!’

Alex’s miracle had inspired the elderly to realize their dreams. However, what is the story behind the achievement?

Alex is the eldest child in his family. Therefore, he had to responsibility for looking after his younger siblings and sacrificed his interesting careers and habits, filming for his family. After he graduated high school, he engaged in a high income job, bank clerk. From time to time, he found that the job was tedious and boring. His passion of filming was inside his deepest heart. He didn’t want people forgo their dream because of the reality, that just similar to him. So, he wanted to record the most fascinating moment, the process of pursuing dreams and made it as a video.

Despite he had the heart in filmmaking, it was not a easy work which was divided indifferent sections. At the same time, it required many professionals like director, script supervisor, screenwriter etc. In order to make a film, he worked harder in the bank during the weekdays. In another aspect, he started to establish a production team for making Audio-visual programs, Network drama etc.

At the age of 55, his parents were suffering from the SARs disease so that he had to suspend his careers, also the filmmaking, put his all effort to take care his parents. One he fell in depression because of the death of his parents. However,their words encouraged him to continue his dream – ‘Life is impermanent and fragile. Realize your dream so you will not regret for it. You are never too old to live your dreams.’

The everlasting passion was the merely support for him to achieve the dream. Finally,he wrote a story which was about a man work in the society at an early age, and was forced to give up the dream because of the reality. When he was getting old, he had inspired by his parents and pursued his dream and wished it could be achieved. It was the awarded film, ‘The Greatest Wish’.

Total words: 438

[ 本帖最後由 koozo1122 於 2016-1-4 05:37 PM 編輯 ]
   

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請求各位狠評啊!!!

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A lot of grammatical mistakes

Alex is the eldest child in his family. Therefore, he had to responsibility for looking after his younger siblings and sacrificed his interesting careers and habits, filming for his family.
--> responsibility is a noun, not a verb/ adjective
--> interesting career = 有趣的career... = =''

After he graduated high school, he engaged in a high income job, bank clerk.
--> After his graduation from high school, he worked as a bank clerk, which is a well-paid but tedious job.

His passion of filming was inside his deepest heart.
--> His passion for filming remained deep in his heart.



And something in your story needs more elaboration...
Alex is the eldest child in his family. Therefore, he had to responsibility for looking after his younger siblings and sacrificed his interesting careers and habits, filming for his family.
--> Why was he responsible for looking after his younger siblings and why did he need to sacrifice so much for doing so? You did not tell...
自學英文無難度!Learning English ON YOUR OWN!
Autodidact 自學者

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