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[Eng] English Writing 求狠評

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English Writing 求狠評

DSE2013 Q7. Asian singers and movie stars are gaining popularity all over the world and are no longer appealing only to Asian audiences. Write an article for your school newspaper explaining why Asian stars are gaining popularity in Western countries. Give a title to your article.

Asian artists as rising stars in the eye of Westerners, but why?


It is difficult for Asian stars to gain popularity in foreign countries in the past. That is one of the reasons why we, the Hong Kong people, have been so proud of our martial art supernova, Bruce Lee, as he was one of few artists who can actually shine in front of Westerners, which was generally considered as a mission impossible at that time. However, the pendulum has swung the other way. It is no longer strange to see a foreign die hard fans chanting for a K-pop group. The reasons why the popularity of Asian stars has such a drastic change will be explained in the following.


Firstly, economic growth in Asian region gives a boost to its entertainment industry. Significant economic growth has been witnessed in Asian region since the 1950s. For instance, thanks to US assistance for Japan’s post-war reconstruction, an astonishing economic boom has been sparked off in its domestic market. With a better economic condition, people have a better living quality. Since then, there was greater demand for high-quality entertainment. A diverse array of entertainment companies, therefore, emerged and invested immense resources on more artists. This is when the greatness of Asian artists can gradually stand comparison with its foreign counterparts. With their ever admirable talents, it is not difficult to imagine Westerners keeping a close eye on these stars.


Secondly, the popularisation of internet usage increases Asian artists’ exposure in the Western world. It is manifested that the internet is now unprecedentedly popular. Information in this medium is proven highly accessible. With a simple update of info, like a video or a text, it is available for people all across the globe. This provides an easy channel for Asian artists to gain exposure in another side of the world. For instance, a music video uploaded to Youtube, a commonly used video platform, can reach Westerner effortlessly. Greater Asian artists expose, more popular they are. Under this circumstance, the seemingly impossible growth of popularity seems nothing shocking but a reasonable trend.


Last but not the least, policies in some Asian countries incline towards entertainment industry. In the Asian region, many countries, especially Korea, are highly supportive of their entertainment industry. Financial assistance is generously granted. With sufficient resources, personnel, ranging from directors to scriptwriters, and from composers to lyricists, can receive professional training in well-equipped avenues. The incomparable condition allows artists better understand performing arts and audiences are, therefore, more likely to be impressed by their unparalleled performances. Eventually, they are able to sweep foreigners off their feet just like Western artists do.  


Tracing historical facts, we have to concede that Asia used to be a worthless region. Words like ‘savage', ‘primitive’ and ‘vulnerable’  are nothing less than its accurate descriptions. It is very glad of me to live in an era of prosperity and advancement, where racial discrimination and deprecative remarks are not that common. It is very appreciating that I can proudly announce, I am an Asian.


[ 本帖最後由 wailok97 於 2016-1-12 11:05 PM 編輯 ]
   

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push~

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Basically alright... except a few grammatical mistakes... and the last paragraph, which does not make sense.
自學英文無難度!Learning English ON YOUR OWN!
Autodidact 自學者

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回覆 3# autodidactsara 的帖子

Can you please tell me why doesn't the last paragraph make sense and what grammatical mistakes do I commit? Much obliged.

[ 本帖最後由 wailok97 於 2016-1-18 10:00 PM 編輯 ]

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你能力較高,自己諗下邊到錯啦

1.        It is difficult for Asian stars to gain popularity in foreign countries in the past.
2.        … as he was one of few artists…
3.        For instance, thanks to US assistance…
4.        Since then, there was greater demand for high-quality entertainment.
5.        Greater Asian artists expose, more popular they are.
6.        It is very glad of me to…

呢三個,可以自行睇睇:
1.        which was generally considered as a mission impossible at that time.
http://blog.cybertranslator.idv.tw/archives/411
2.        However, the pendulum has swung the other way.
http://idioms.thefreedictionary.com/other+way+round
3.        It is no longer strange to see a foreign die hard fans
http://www.thefreedictionary.com/diehard


Secondly, the popularisation of internet usage increases Asian artists’ exposure in the Western world.
呢個位我建議用exposure to

It is manifested that the internet is now unprecedentedly popular.
Manifest都可以係adj,而且一般都係用it is manifest


結尾:
Tracing historical facts, we have to concede that Asia used to be a worthless region. Words like ‘savage', ‘primitive’ and ‘vulnerable’  are nothing less than its accurate descriptions.
你邊一段有詳細講過以前既野? 第一段唔計,sorry

It is very glad of me to live in an era of prosperity and advancement, where racial discrimination and deprecative remarks are not that common.
無啦啦又講咩racial discrimination? 就算係睇返第一段,你所講到既Bruce Lee果一句,都無講過呢個point
It is very appreciating that I can proudly announce, I am an Asian.
你作為一個Asian,同之前所講既entertainment industry in Asia,有咩關係? 你都係無解釋過任何野,OK?
自學英文無難度!Learning English ON YOUR OWN!
Autodidact 自學者

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補充返少少
第一段基本上係intro,所以唔會當係main point,亦因為咁,你講到既Tracing historical facts, we have to concede that Asia used to be a worthless region呢一句,我會expect除左第一段之外,仲有其他段落會有詳細介紹。

當然,我唔排除DSE要求相對會低D,但上左大學就唔好咁樣做。


講返D好野先。
你句子有長有短,應用非常好,睇得舒服
長句式大多數都用得啱,只有少少錯,唔會點影響overall既印象
你D points,全部都好logical,好convincing,又有examples
你既starting statements都好清楚
用字方面,詞彙豐富,用得精準,又無刻意用太難既字
自學英文無難度!Learning English ON YOUR OWN!
Autodidact 自學者

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回覆 6# autodidactsara 的帖子

Your comments are really detailed and helpful! Really appreciate your help !

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