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[Eng] 英文作文求評 (2013 DSE Short story)

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英文作文求評 (2013 DSE Short story)

引用:
Learning English through Short Stories
You were walking by the Peninsula Hotel in Tsim Sha Tsui when you sptted your brother driving an expensive sports car. The last time you spoke to him he was looking for a job. Write a story about how you found out the truth.


“Joseph?” I walked towardsthe glamourous man leaving his Lamborghini. As I got closer to the Peninsula, Inoticed I was wearing flip-flops and a polo from Uniqlo. Guards there were juststaring at me as if I was a criminal. Still, I avoided any unnecessary eyecontacts and shambled to that strange but familiar man. “Chris? Why… Why areyou here?” Confirmed. He is my brother who was still seeking for a job thatpays 10 thousand a month not long ago. But what were with the sport car and theexpensive watch?


“Put that aside, we worriedsick about you. Why did you just disappear? Where have you been?” I grabbed hisarms so hard, so scared of losing him again, when I was yelling the questionsat him. He did not answer me. Instead, he looked around nervously. “It’s noneof your business” he mumbled the words, so soft that no one but only I canhear that.


Joseph signaled the guard,who was well-trained to protect whoever contribute to his salary, with aglance. He quickly jogged from the front door to us, talking to me in adisgustingly polite manner, “Sir, I would like you to withdraw your hand fromMr. Chan immediately.” “But he is my brother!” I yelled. He stumbled for asecond but soon resumed, “This is my second warning.” I took my hand offJoseph. There was nothing that I can do to pull him back.


The guard escorted him tothe hotel with a distorted smile. Joseph just walked alongside him. Silent, ashe had been today; and never looked back. Watching his back, I knew he was stillmy brother who fought with me over a piece of candy and cried like a baby becauseof losing. I knew he was still here, under the leather jacket and Italian shoes,or is he? I tried to take a step forward, but an invisible wall blocked me. Iwas frozen.


The heavy door was opened bythe tiny bellboy who was dressed in a stainless white uniform. Slowly the dooropened, a middle-aged lady was waiting and greeted Joseph with a big hug andkisses on the cheeks – an exaggerated manner for poor Chinese like us. I seeclearly on her right ring finger a 3-carat diamond ring……


求評THX,第一次寫short story

[ 本帖最後由 ben1002004 於 2016-2-21 06:10 PM 編輯 ]
   

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英文底不錯

不過故事有D爛尾...而且有D甜故feel (爆)
考試局未必會接受... (真)
自學英文無難度!Learning English ON YOUR OWN!
Autodidact 自學者

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引用:
原帖由 autodidactsara 於 2016-2-22 01:16 PM 發表
英文底不錯

不過故事有D爛尾...而且有D甜故feel (爆)
考試局未必會接受... (真)
Hey @autodidactsara,
Thanks for your comment, it's my first time writing short stories - it is hard to limit myself in 400 words. I'm trying to bring out something deeper, such as the differences in the poor and the privileged by some character portraits. I am aware that the markers will not spend so much time looking into such details. But hopefully, this will be a good academic sharing

Thanks for your comment again haha. Next time I may add more sweetness to it.

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