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[Eng] 2015 paper 2 part B Q4 English writing 求狠評!!

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2015 paper 2 part B Q4 English writing 求狠評!!

想知有咩地方可以改善,唔該各位!


Topic:
4.Learning English through Social Issues

Many parents in Hong Kong are sending their children to other countries to complete their schooling. Write an article for your magazine examining two reasons for this phenomenon. You should also discuss the impact of this schools and on children who leave to study overseas.

A Devastating Fact: Why are parents sending their kids overseas?




Imaginea scene that a caring father are discussing with his son about whichcountry should go to complete his study while the kids reaches hismiddle 20s. “ This is for your own good, son.” said the father.The son may probably do not understand why he has to leave, but thefather does. Tellingly, thousands of children are sent to study inother countries every year because the parents think it would bebetter off. When talking about this phenomenon, flaw of localeducation may be the one to blame.


Thefirst reason to explain this is the belief that students studying inHong Kong need to bear tremendous pressure, which will cause adverseimpacts on children. Bases on Confucius belief, people are obsessedwith the idea that education is the top priority and the only mean tobe successful. Schools overly emphasize the importance academicachievements. Instead of encouraging students to develop well-roundlyand multidimensionally, schools force students to outperform othersacademically by stuffing them with obsessive amount of homework andcountless tests and examinations. Students in Hong Kong have to givetheir very best to win in this race, and not to be outdone. On theother hand, students who study overseas have less likelihood to bearsuch pressure. They are told to not only focus on study, but also on other domains,such as arts and sports. They are taught to developthemselves in other aspects and not purely in academic side. Onecannot deny the fact that students study overseas feel less stressfulthan our local counterparts. Parents in pursuit of their children'sfortune, they choose to send their children overseas, avoiding theirchildren being torturing by the huge pressure.


Inaddition to protecting their child from pressure, the preferablewestern education philosophy is also a reason for parents sendingtheir kids overseas. In western culture, one need not be thegreatness. You can always find your place if you go for what youwant. However, students in Hong Kong have always been told that theyneed to work hard to be great, to be, for example ,a lawyer or doctorand make tons of money. This is how we define “success” in HongKong. There id a famous story that state the fundamental discrepancybetween Chinese and Western education. A student tell his teacherthat he want to be a joker when he grows up. In the case of Chineseteacher, the students is gently turned down and is told that joker isnot a decent job. While in the scenario of western teachers, thestudents is simply told “wish you bring the joy and happiness tothe world!”. This may be a bit cruel, but is very true thatstudents in Hong Kong are not encouraged to ”do what they want”but are told to follow the normal path in pursue of success.In viewof this, parents who send their kids to foreign countries due to notonly the pressure children have to bear if they study in Hong Kong,but also the fact that western education can provide students a looseand joyful environment to develop themselves and can make them,simply, a happy person.


However,we, the society, have to bear the cost of it. To the local schools,the direct result is that many schools have to close down due to thedecreasing number of students in  Hong Kong. This will further leadsto other impacts. First, teachers in local school need to faceunemployment due to the close down of schools.There will probably bean serious unemployment crisis in Hong Kong. Second, decreasingnumber of schools also means that there will be fewer places forlocal students to study. Students who are not rich enough to studyoverseas may therefore face difficulties in finding schools.


Childrenwho leave to study overseas may also suffer too. Given the fact thatmost children are studying aboard alone and without the care offamilies, they may suffer from depression and lost while they arestudying there.Worse still, these who are vulnerable and lonely maybe abused by other students due to racism, or may be so depressedthat they resort the sadness to other means, such as doing drugs torelease the stress or even committing suicide to expel themselvesfrom the pain.



Allin all, the phenomenon that parents are sending children overseas canbe dealt with a solution - to create a more advanced education systemin Hong Kong which cares about teenagers and convinces parents thatour education system is trustworthy.

[ 本帖最後由 seed3000 於 2016-2-27 10:13 AM 編輯 ]
   

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有d地方唔知點解出錯左
Imaginea -> Imagine a
Thefirst -> The first
HongKong -> Hong Kong

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Proof-read左一次,發現錯左好多野,sorry!

ADevastating Fact: Why are parents sending their kids overseas?

Imaginea scene that a caring father are discussing with his son about whichcountry he should go to complete his study while the kids reaches hismiddle 20s. “ This is for your own good, son.” said the father.The son may probably do not understand why he has to leave, but thefather does. Tellingly, thousands of children are sent to study inother countries every year because the parents think it would bebetter off. When talking about this phenomenon, flaws of localeducation may be the one to blame.


Thefirst reason to explain this is the belief that students studying inHong Kong need to bear tremendous pressure, which will cause adverseimpacts on children. Bases on Confucian belief, people are obsessedwith the idea that education is the top priority and the only mean tobe successful. Schools overly emphasize the importance of academicachievements. Instead of encouraging students to developwell-roundedly and multidimensionally, schools force students tooutperform others academically by stuffing them with enormous amountof homework and countless tests and examinations. Students in HongKong have to give their very best to win in this race, and not to beoutdone. On the other hand, students who study overseas have lesslikelihood to bear such pressure. They are told to not only focus onstudy, but also on  other domains,such as arts and sports. They aretaught to develop themselves in other aspects and not purely inacademic side. One cannot deny the fact that students study overseasfeel less stressful than our local counterparts. Parents, in pursuitof their children's fortune, choose to send their children overseas,avoiding their children being tortured by the huge pressure.


Inaddition to protecting their child from pressure, the preferablewestern education philosophy is also a reason for parents sendingtheir kids overseas. In western culture, one need not be thegreatness. You can always find your place if you go for what youwant. However, students in Hong Kong have always been told that theyneed to work hard to be great, to be, for example ,a lawyer or doctorand make tons of money. This is how we define “success” in HongKong. There is a famous story that states the fundamental discrepancybetween Chinese and Western education. A student tells his teacherthat he want to be a joker when he grows up. In the case of Chineseteacher, the student is gently turned down and is told that joker isnot a decent job. While in the scenario of western teachers, thestudent is simply told “wish you bring the joy and happiness tothe world!”. This may be a bit cruel, but is very true thatstudents in Hong Kong are not encouraged to ”do what they want”but are told to follow the normal path in pursue of success.In viewof this, parents who send their kids to foreign countries due to notonly the pressure children have to bear if they study in Hong Kong,but also the fact that western education can provide students a looseand joyful environment to develop themselves and can make them,simply, a happy person.


However,we, the society, have to bear the cost of it. To the local schools,the direct result is that many schools have to close down due to thedecreasing number of students in  Hong Kong. This will further leadto other impacts. First, teachers in local school need to faceunemployment due to the close down of schools.There will probably bean serious unemployment crisis in Hong Kong. Second, decreasingnumber of schools also means that there will be fewer places forlocal students to study. Students who are not rich enough to studyoverseas may therefore face difficulties in finding schools.


Childrenwho leave to study overseas may also suffer too. Given the fact thatmost children are studying aboard alone and without the care offamilies, they may suffer from depression and lost while they arestudying there.Worse still, these who, are vulnerable and lonely ,maybe abused by other students due to racism, or may be so depressedthat they resort the sadness to other means, such as doing drugs torelease the stress or even committing suicide to expel themselvesfrom the pain.


Allin all, the phenomenon that parents are sending children overseas canbe dealt with a solution - to create a more advanced education systemin Hong Kong which cares about teenagers and convinces parents thatour education system is trustworthy.

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Comments on this writing

Content:
* Topic sentences are clear and well-defined.
* However, effects on schools as a result of students studying overseas, is firstly, quite over-exaggerated, and secondly, inappropriate to the audience, which are parents. (Parents are not concerned about the development of schools.)
* Elaboration is quite full. But the incorporation of Chinese beliefs for both body paragraphs on the reasons, is slightly redundant and is unable to demonstrate your ability to use other examples or forms of elaboration (For instance, self-experience [or anecdote], case studies, famous news/cases etc.)

Language
* The imagery in the opening paragraph is appropriate and is a more refreshing approach than most other candidates' work.
* Grammar is mostly correct, easily comprehensible.
* Vocabulary range seems wide, but the usage of some words, such as "fundamental discrepancy", seem slightly forced and not quite natural.

Organisation
* Title is appropriate and could attract readers
* Body paragraphs are slightly imbalanced - the first two (on factors) are significantly longer than the final two (impacts). (This is very important, especially for HKDSE markers)
* Inter-paragraph cohesion attempts are seen. (e.g. In addition to protecting their child from pressure,). However, try not to use linkers/linking words to provide the purpose or relationship between sentences/paragraphs.
* Audience awareness is a problem. Confucian beliefs and the other points mentioned, are not what most parents would consider when they are thinking about overseas studying.

Points of Improvement
One question you should ask yourself is, "Why would parents send their children to study overseas in the first place?". Remember that parents usually do things for the benefit of their children. So the factors that lead to the phenomenon of overseas studying should be positive. Yet, the question asks you to write about its impacts. This article could act as a reminder to parents that, even though overseas studying seems like a good thing, they should also consider several negative effects that overseas studying might have on their children. But in the end, parents should have the choice to choose whether they should send their children overseas, or not. This will give you a more authentic piece of article for a parenting magazine.

Score:
C: 4/7
L:  5/7
O: 4/7  
Total : 13/21 Level 4

I hope this is of use for you, and good luck for your HKDSE exam!
(其實我只係個學生,寫錯唔好介意。)

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Imaginea scene that a caring father are discussing with his son about whichcountry he should go to complete his study while the kids reaches hismiddle 20s. “ This is for your own good, son.” said the father.The son may probably do not understand why he has to leave, but thefather does. Tellingly, thousands of children are sent to study inother countries every year because the parents think it would bebetter off. When talking about this phenomenon, flaws of localeducation may be the one to blame.

a caring father are <---- is
said the father<--
I am interested in what tense you are going to use. In the beginning of the sentence, you use present tense, then why do you use past tense here?


Thefirst reason to explain this is the belief that students studying inHong Kong need to bear tremendous pressure, which will cause adverseimpacts on children. Bases on Confucian belief, people are obsessedwith the idea that education is the top priority and the only mean tobe successful. Schools overly emphasize the importance of academicachievements. Instead of encouraging students to developwell-roundedly and multidimensionally, schools force students tooutperform others academically by stuffing them with enormous amountof homework and countless tests and examinations. Students in HongKong have to give their very best to win in this race, and not to beoutdone. On the other hand, students who study overseas have lesslikelihood to bear such pressure. They are told to not only focus onstudy, but also on  other domains,such as arts and sports. They aretaught to develop themselves in other aspects and not purely inacademic side. One cannot deny the fact that students study overseasfeel less stressful than our local counterparts. Parents, in pursuitof their children's fortune, choose to send their children overseas,avoiding their children being tortured by the huge pressure.
only mean---> "means "


Inaddition to protecting their child from pressure, the preferablewestern education philosophy is also a reason for parents sendingtheir kids overseas. In western culture, one need not be thegreatness. You can always find your place if you go for what youwant. However, students in Hong Kong have always been told that theyneed to work hard to be great, to be, for example ,a lawyer or doctorand make tons of money. This is how we define “success” in HongKong. There is a famous story that states the fundamental discrepancybetween Chinese and Western education. A student tells his teacherthat he want to be a joker when he grows up. In the case of Chineseteacher, the student is gently turned down and is told that joker isnot a decent job. While in the scenario of western teachers, thestudent is simply told “wish you bring the joy and happiness tothe world!”. This may be a bit cruel, but is very true thatstudents in Hong Kong are not encouraged to ”do what they want”but are told to follow the normal path in pursue of success.In viewof this, parents who send their kids to foreign countries due to notonly the pressure children have to bear if they study in Hong Kong,but also the fact that western education can provide students a looseand joyful environment to develop themselves and can make them,simply, a happy person.
-He wants to be a joker.
But just my opinion, if it is a story, it's better to use past tense.
Pursue of success--> pursuit of success
provide students a loose and joyful... --> I don't think 'loose' is a positive word to depict foreign education.

However,we, the society, have to bear the cost of it. To the local schools,the direct result is that many schools have to close down due to thedecreasing number of students in  Hong Kong. This will further leadto other impacts. First, teachers in local school need to faceunemployment due to the close down of schools.There will probably bean serious unemployment crisis in Hong Kong. Second, decreasingnumber of schools also means that there will be fewer places forlocal students to study. Students who are not rich enough to studyoverseas may therefore face difficulties in finding schools.

....Really? It's a litter bit unconvincing. You say school closes down due to the lack of students, but later you say that students who do not study abroad may have difficulty to find a local school. Is it contradictory?




[ 本帖最後由 靈兒` 於 2016-3-13 12:21 PM 編輯 ]

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