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[Eng] Eng writing 求狠評!!!!!!!!!!

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Eng writing 求狠評!!!!!!!!!!

Learning English through Social Issues

Today, many parents exert considerable pressure on their children. Even children small as five are forced into taking different class every day after school. Write an essay analysing the causes of this phenomenon and how a tight schedule may impede the personal development of children.

Parents hope their children to be creme-de-la-creme and a "life-winner". There are even some sayings like “winning at the starting line”. Parents thus have been arranging various classes for their children after school. These classes not only exert a great pressure on children, but their leisure time is also deprived. Yet, what are the causes for such a phenomenon?

The keen competition in Hong Kong has created a mentality on parents that their children have to be multi-talented in order to be successful. It has been very competitive in housing, welfare and education. Similarly, getting into a prestigious school has become harder and harder. Parents are desperate to get their kids into these top-notch schools. In order to achieve so, parents arrange a variety of classes to train their kids to become all-around. As a result, a social atmosphere that offering loads of classes to children has become a must for parents so that their children can be a life-winner.

On the other hand, parents often wrongly percept that these classes must be beneficial to their children. It is undeniable that these classes shape their skill and raises their competitive edge. Nevertheless, not only can these skills be useless in their future, but parents have also missed the genuine feeling of their children and their authentic opinions. Most parents believe that their children are still too young to determine what suit them the best. Hence, parents often dominate the decision on classes for children or how packed their schedule should be.

As aforementioned, parents sometimes miss out the feeling of their children, therefore they arrange loads and loads of classes for their children. Consequently, how such arrangements would ham children’s personal development?

Doubtlessly, children are supposed to be happy. They are supposed to be enjoying the best time of their lives. They should not be anxious, worried and tired of their daily routine. Instead, they should be joyful, energetic, vibrant and anticipating the bright future of their lives. Nonetheless, nowadays, what we can see on children’s faces are sad, upset, devastating and hopeless. The daily routine of continuous classes one after another has exhausted them. Rather than playing, they tend to gain more rest. Isn’t that sarcastic? When they grow up, looking back, instead of feeling thankful of being multi-talented, they will probably feeling more a sense of missing part of the puzzle of their childhood memories. When children are thought to have a great diversity of happy, delighted memories, they do not. What they have in their memories is the frightening daily routine of countless classes. It is no doubt that these pressure from classes have exploited their genuine smile. Consequently, it explains the fact that why it is more and more common to see children being unable to stand such pressure and commit suicide.

Parent-child relationship will also be adversely affected from such phenomenon. Especially when parents are excessively adding more and more classes on children, children will gradually build up a reluctance to listen to their parents. Ultimately, they might become rebellious. Children will no longer listen to their parents and oppose to their parents. If we put ourselves in children’s shoes, we can easily actualise such feeling. Imagine ourselves as blue-collars, if we are excessively demanded to continuously work for over twenty hours by our boss without any extra wage, I bet no one is willing to take such job and simply quit. The same applies to children. However, the only difference is that they do not have the option to quit. Therefore, it is predictable why the relationship is worsened. Therefore, prints shall probably stop exerting pressure on children and start communicating with their children, to truly listen to their hearts.

After all, I believe parents love their children. Yet, it is the matter of how parents should show their love. It is always crucial for parents to communicate with their children to foster and develop a closer and better relationship.
   

TOP

Quite good! But I suggest that 'there is no doubt' rather than ''it is no doubt'
Your language is very fluent and accurate.
Points are convincing too.
I guess it is a lv 5 writing?

TOP

i guess its lv4-lv5,nearly lv5
i think that the topic sentences hv to be more obvious for makers
also, i think that u can also write about what the parents can do in the conclusion with a few lines

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引用:
原帖由 靈兒` 於 2016-3-13 12:31 PM 發表
Quite good! But I suggest that 'there is no doubt' rather than ''it is no doubt'
Your language is very fluent and accurate.
Points are convincing too.
I guess it is a lv 5 writing?
Much thanks for your comments! Would you mind telling me how should I improve if I am aiming for level 5*?

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引用:
原帖由 notes6311 於 2016-3-13 01:35 PM 發表
i guess its lv4-lv5,nearly lv5
i think that the topic sentences hv to be more obvious for makers
also, i think that u can also write about what the parents can do in the conclusion with a few lines
Ah icic...much obliged about ur comment!
then how shall I rephrase my topic sentence so that it is more obvious? Cuz I have tried to place my topic sentence at the beginning of each paragraph already..

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Doubtlessly is seldom used, doubtless is fine. It is also an adverb.

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引用:
原帖由 地球和月亮 於 2016-3-13 02:42 PM 發表

Much thanks for your comments! Would you mind telling me how should I improve if I am aiming for level 5*?
老實來說, 拎唔拎到星真系睇你好唔好運 5同5*有時真系唔系差好遠

[ 本帖最後由 小祭` 於 2016-3-13 07:56 PM 編輯 ]

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順便一提,如果樓主想要再好D既話, 每段的第一句, 即系TP, 概括你整段既CONTENT, 甘睇落去會結構會更好
PS. 樓主你真系寫得唔錯, 特別鐘意樓主比較少刻意哂字

[ 本帖最後由 小祭` 於 2016-3-13 07:57 PM 編輯 ]

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引用:
原帖由 小祭` 於 2016-3-13 07:52 PM 發表

老實來說, 拎唔拎到星真系睇你好唔好運 5同5*有時真系唔系差好遠
Haha不過我希望英文作文會拎到星 咁惟有希望我到時好運啦
Btw 多謝你d comments it's really helpful!

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Comments (Part 1)

It is generally well-written, but you should pay attention to your sentence structures and the corresponding tenses.

Parents hope their children become... --> Nowadays, many parents want their children to become...
Parents thus have been --> Thus, parents have been/ Parents have thus been

Parallelism problem:
Correct: These classes not only exert great pressure on children but also deprive children of their free time.

*all-rounded *multi-talented --> talented in many areas

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