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[Eng] English writing needs comments

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English writing needs comments

Practice paper question Learning English through Sports Communication There is a talk of certain schools removing PE lessons from the curriculum so students can concentrate more on academic subjects. Write a letter to the Secretary of Education expressing your views on the proposal.

Dear the Secretary of Education,


  I am writing in response to the proposal that removing PE lessons from the curriculum, expressing my views on it. As far as a student is concerned, the importance of PE lessons
seems to be less prominent to them while I am strongly opposed to this proposal. The following is my points of view to support my stance.


  To begin with, current PE lessons provide a pathway to relieve tremendous pressure arise from academic subjects. After the reformation of the 334 education system, a major of students is confused and frustrated with a lot of assignments and tutorial classes. Evidently, many students have to grasp their precious leisure time to study and prepare for the
approaching public exams. It is observable that students choose to sacrifice their time so as to achieve an outstanding result in school. As a matter of fact, PE lessons are significant
for students to balance their life, providing a pathway to relieve pressure.


  In addition to relieve pressure, sufficient and regular physical activities are conducive to enhance the efficiency of learning. Noticeably, some people always put forward the idea that
students can concentrate more on study through removing PE lessons. However, removing PE is not only detrimental to increase the concentration of learning ,but also damage their holistic development. With reference to  a survey jointly conducted by the university of Hong Kong and the university of city, it was revealed that an approximately 30-45 minutes of
sport time is beneficial for students to build up a balanced life ,which is a crucial element for mental and physical developments. Hence, there is no doubt that PE lessons are
conducive to boost up the efficiency of learning.


  Besides, PE lessons enable students to learn the knowledge of different kinds of sport. Despite the fact that a remarkable result on academic knowledge is certainly vital for students to select their majorities in the future, it is equally noteworthy that we may have no opportunity to recognize different sports because the universities are highly focused on specific
academic theory. Also, i believe PE lessons would occupy a part of time from students. We should realize the importance of current PE lessons with a comprehensive consideration.
Obviously, PE lessons enable students to learn the knowledge of different sports, providing a golden chance to recognize the theories which are beyond of academic books .

  With a view to developing comprehensively, including mental and physical health, it is a high time to reconsider the significance of current PE lessons. Also, is removing PE lessons conducive to concentrate more on academic subjects. Obviously , there is no certain answer.


  To sum up , the proposal of removing PE lessons should be rejected due to the following factors, namely learning efficiency, holistic development and balanced life. Hopefully ,
students can sacrifice a part of time to enjoy their PE lessons.

   

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Corrections

[   ] 為grammar mistake既corrections, 但更正後文句依然不通順,因此參考CAPS LOCK寫法
(  ) 位內容矛盾

I am writing to express my views on removing PE lessons from the curriculum. (Why would a student not care about PE lesson? Never twist the logic of the content just to showcase vocabulary) [following ARE my pointS - subject-verb agreement - ] While SOME (indicating only a few students) students might not think PE lessons are important, I am strongly opposed to such proposal.

To begin with, current PE lessons provide (a pathway? don't translate directly from 渠道) time for students to work out and relieve the tremendous pressure BROUGHT ABOUT by the academic subjects. After the reformation of the 334 education system, [a majorITY of students is confused --??] THE PUBLIC EXAM HAS BECOME MORE SIGNIFICANT FOR STUDENTS WHEN IT COMES TO UNIVERSITY OFFERS. NATURALLY, students have to [grasp every single bit of their leisure time -- informal] MAKE USE OF their precious leisure time to study and prepare for the EVER-approaching public exams. It CAN BE observed that students WOULD RATHER sacrifice their LEISURE time so as to achieve an outstanding result in school. Therefore, PE lessons are ESSENTIAL AS THEY PLAY A ROLE IN BALANCING STUDENTS' LIFE.

In addition to relievING pressure [noun phrase after in addition to], ADEQUATE and regular physical activities are conducive to enhance the LEARNING EFFICIENCY [originally phrase too clumsy].  Some people HAVE BEEN PUTTING forward the idea that students can concentrate more on THEIR STUDIES//STUDYING BY removing PE lessons. However, removing PE LESSONS is not only detrimental to [NOUN PHRASE NEEDED] improVING students' concentration, but IT also DETERS their WHOLE-PERSON development (全人發展). With reference to a survey jointly conducted by the University of Hong Kong and CITY UNIVERSITY OF HONG KONG, it is revealed that
DAILY (no time indicated in the original passage -- can be a year? a week?) exercises of approximately 30-45 minutes are beneficial TO students as it helps them FOSTER A BALANCED LIFESTYLE, which is CRUCIAL for mental and physical developments. Hence, there is no doubt that PE lessons are helpful when it comes to boosting learning efficiency.

Besides, PE lessons ALLOW students to ACQUIRE knowledge of different kinds of sportS. (Despite the fact that a remarkable result on academic knowledge is vital for students when selecting their MAJORS in the future, it is equally noteworthy that we may have no opportunity to LEARN different sports because the universities are highly focused on the specific subjects. --> There are two problems: 1. What is the significance of learning different sports? You didn't explain. 2. It is not true that there are no chance to play sports in the universities. Many universities provide PE lessons to allow students to exercise).
(Also, I believe PE lessons would occupy a part of time from students. We should realize the importance of current PE lessons with a comprehensive consideration --> I don't understand your point?)
Obviously, PE lessons enable students to learn ABOUT different sports, providing a golden chance to recognize the theories which are beyond academic books.

[This whole paragraph is totally disorganized. Your evidence doesn't support your claim, and you did not explain the significance of learning different sports.)

With REGARD to the importance of students developing comprehensively (awkward collocation), it is high time WE RECONSIDERED the significance of PE lessons. There is also no certain answer to WHETHER REMOVING PE LESSONS ARE EFFECTIVE IN HELPING STUDENTS CONCENTRATE ON ACADEMIC STUDIES.

To sum up, the proposal of removing PE lessons should be rejected, AS PE LESSONS CAN IMPROVE STUDENTS' LEARNING EFFICIENCY, ALLOW HOLISTIC DEVELOPMENT AND HELP STUDENTS ADOPT A BALANCED LIFESTYLE[due to the following factors, namely learning efficency, hoslitic development and balanced life -- THIS IS INCORRECT. FIRSTLY YOUR FACTORS SHOULD MATCH UP WITH THE BODY PARAGRAPHS. SECONDLY, YOU SHOULD NEVER LIST YOUR POINT LIKE THIS.] Hopefully, students can still ENJOY THEIR PE LESSONS in the future.

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總評

與其不停用一D罐頭vocab, 點解唔用D simple但係 grammatically correct 既phrase?
你係篇文章裡面係咁重複"conducive", marker 係會留意到的
認真,背D補習天王Dphrase/vocab天書其實好危險,你一定要清楚D phrases 係點用
英文仲有樣野叫collocations, 有某Dvocab唔可以一齊用,例如唔會build up lifestyle, 但係係develop/foster a lifestyle
你要小心D幾時用noun phrase, 幾時用sentence clause

本文太多背誦句式,有不少grammar mistake, level 3

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回覆 3# bryanfu926 的帖子

感激熱心評論

我係一位retaker 上年334(4)444 chem phy
今年我選擇左retake全科 但重心放晒係數,phy,m1
英文我keep住有睇 但作文係哩個月先開始操
英文我只係想升4 上年作文part a 13,15/21 partb 12,12,21

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I think it's around level 3-4.
overall it is very fluent, yet it is not natural, I mean, it is very obvious that you are crammed with the vocab rather than naturally using it.
Sure, it is just my feeling and I am not an experienced marker.

[ 本帖最後由 靈兒` 於 2016-4-1 04:51 PM 編輯 ]

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