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[Eng] 英文作文求狠評!

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英文作文求狠評!

Hong Kong hasdone much to build its reputation as a modern, cosmopolitan city, but it hasnot put as much effort into preserving or restoring its historical sites andinteresting backstreets. With the inclusion of Macau’s historical ruins andrestored city center on UNESCO’s World Heritage List, some people havesuggested restoring the historical buildings and backstreets of areas such asWan Chai and Sheung Wan in order to preserve an important part of Hong Kong’spast.


There have been much concerns recently aboutrestoring historical buildings in Hong Kong in a bid to preserve an importantpart of Hong Kong’s past. Some people sing praise to restore historicalbuildings while some are averse to the suggestions strongly. Before having adecision on whether it is beneficial or detrimental, we shall have a deepanalysis on the consequence it may lead to.


It is acknowledged that historical buildings is inthe position to provide people, especially the old generation, with a sense ofbelonging to Hong Kong. Historical buildings are usually a token to bring upthe collective memory Hong Kong people have. People will flash back to theircarefree time at childhood when they catch the sight of the same buildingswhere people have a mountains of unforgettable memories. Needless to say, it iscertainly conducive to wake people up to the identity as a HongKonger.


Furthermore, restoring historical buildingsemphatically facilitate the development of local culture. Historical buildingsdoes not only refer to the unique history such as being the colony of Englandat last century, but also embody the particular lifestyle in the past. Accordingly,travelers can experience Hong Kong’s local culture by visiting these historicalbuildings apart from eating street foods. Obviously, the whole society willbenefit from restoring the historical building in terms of Hong Kong tourismindustry and cultural development.


Nonetheless, some hold the adverse opinion andadvocate that historical buildings will be a drain on our valued land resource,especially in the business area like Wan Chai. Therefore, the businessactivities will be diminished as a consequence of less available land. As theworld’s freest economy, Hong Kong is famous with its business activity. Restoringthese buildings will occupy the place in business area and as a result,business will directly get hurt.


Worse still, restoring historical buildings willcreate another financial burden for government and the whole society must payfor it. The huge amount of restoring cost, maintenance and operation will finallyadd up. Taxpayer must pay for it, the affluent and the impoverished alike. In thisday and age, government has already a heavy burden on financial resource, andthe extra cost for restoring historical buildings will worsen the conditionwithout doubt.


All in all, as my motto, doing things inmoderation, I agree to restore historical buildings as it really promotes ourcultural development and raises the awareness of the sense of belonging to HK. Itis absolutely paramount and worthwhile. However, we should not bring it toextreme that seriously affect our business development or generate a hugefinancial burden. We must strike a balance between the merits and the demerits.


求評!!!
   

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General comments, Grammar corrections see the second post

This passage is a marginal 5.

It is a well-written argumentative essay with a clear structure. One thing, though, I would recommend putting the stance you do not support in the beginning so that you can have a strong and firm conclusion.

1. Intro
2. Side you don't support argument #1
3. Side you don't support argument #2
4. Side you support argument #1
5. Side you support argument #2
6. Conclusion

The number of grammatical mistakes is not too big, and the points are well-thought, incorporating the concept of heritage preservation from Liberal Studies. Well done.

To aim for stars, eradicate all your grammar mistakes, improve the way you express ideas, and pay attention to the integrity of paragraphs. See the next post.

[ 本帖最後由 bryanfu926 於 2016-4-1 01:06 PM 編輯 ]

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Detailed comments (Part 1)

There haS been much concern (NO S) recently about restoring historical buildings in Hong Kong in a bid to preserve an important part of Hong Kong’s past. Some people sing praise to RESTORING historical buildings while some are averse to the suggestions strongly. Before DECIDING WHETHER THE PRESERVATION is beneficial or detrimental, THE OUTCOMES OF HERITAGE PRESERVATION SHOULD BE THOROUGHLY EXAMINED.

(Consequence brings negative connotation and should not be used here)
(Avoid using pronouns in academic writings. Use passive voice instead)

It is acknowledged that historical buildings ARE (Subject-verb agreement) in the position OF PROVIDING people, especially the oldER generation, with a sense of belonging to Hong Kong. Historical buildings are usually tokenS THAT bring up the collective memorIES OF Hong Kong people. People will RECALL their carefree time IN THEIR childhood AT the sight of the same buildings where people have  mountains of unforgettable memories. Needless to say, it is certainly conducive to STRENGTHENING PEOPLE'S IDENTITY AS A HONGKONGER.


Furthermore, restoring historical building emphatically [facilitate the development of local culture] --> PROMOTES HONG KONG CULTURE TO FOREIGNERS AND HENCE BOOST TOURISM INDUSTRY. Historical buildings do (Subject-verb agreement) not only REFLECT the unique history OF being A BRITISH COLONY IN THE last century but also SHOW the lifestyle in the past. Accordingly, travelers can experience Hong Kong’s local culture by visiting these historical buildings apart from eating AND SHOPPING. Obviously, the whole society will benefit from restoring the historical building in terms of Hong Kong tourism industry and cultural development.
(* THE CONCLUDING SENTENCE DOES NOT MATCH WITH YOUR CLAIM. YOU MENTIONED, IN THE BEGINNING, THAT RESTORING HISTORICAL BUILDING CAN FACILITATE THE DEVELOPMENT OF LOCAL CULTURE, BUT THEN, IN THE END, YOU SAID SOMETHING ABOUT TOURISM INDUSTRY? --> Pay attention to the integrity of the paragraph)

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(It is not appropriate to have shorter paragraphs on the side you support than the other side)

Nonetheless, some hold the adverse opinion and advocate that historical buildings will be a drain on our SCARCE land resource, especially in the business areaS like Wan Chai. IF HISTORICAL BUILDINGS ARE RESTORED, BUSINESS WILL SHRINK IN THE AREA AS A RESULT OF LESS SPACE BEING AVAILABLE FOR COMMERICAL ACTIVITIES. As the world's freest economy, Hong Kong is famous FOR its THRIVING BUSINESS. Restoring these buildings will occupy the place in THE business area and as a result, business will directly BE AFFECTED.


Worse still, restoring historical buildings will create another financial burden for THE government and the whole society HAS TO pay for it. The RESTORATION AND MAINTENANCE COST IS HUGE, AND WOULD BE BORNE BY THE TaxpayerS, affluent and impoverished alike. In this day, THE government ALREADY has a heavy FINANCIAL BURDEN, and the extra cost for restoring historical buildings will worsen the SITUATION without A doubt.

(Borne = pp of bear)

All in all, [as my motto, doing things in moderation], I agree to restore historical buildings as it promotes our cultural TO FOREIGNERS ,BOOSTING TOURISM and REINFORCING the sense of belonging to HK. It is absolutely paramount and worthwhile. However, we should not bring it to THE extreme WHICH WILL seriously affect our business SECTOR AND ADD TO OUR hEAVY financial burden. A BALANCE MUST BE STRUCK between the merits and the demerits OF CULTURAL PRESERVATION.

(You are advised to pick a stance at the end of an argumentative essay)

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Having read your passage, your weakness is not grammar but the way you express ideas with sentences and phrases. Pay attention to collocations, and say things in a less clumsy way. Good luck in DSE, one week to go.

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回覆 4# bryanfu926 的帖子

Thanks for your kind suggestions, actually, my school teachers have a similar comment ,pointing out that the content is too clumsy. English is the subject i largely worry (all language subjects ). Anyway, as you say,Good luck in DSE !! :hug:

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