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[Eng] english writing求評

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english writing求評

2012 DSE English Paper 2 Part A
1.You are a famous news reporter for Hong Kong News.
Your secondary school has asked you to write a feature article about yourself for the next edition of the school magazine.
Use the following three headings to write the article.Add one heading of you own.

The best part of my job
Being a news reporter is not as easy as people thought.However,I did learn a lot of things from it.This job enables me a precious opportunity to unmask the facade of this society.Reporting from day to night,using the most limited information for changing the impossible things to possible one,revealing the latest news to the audience.Such kind of 'challenges' is obviously the best part of being a news reporter.

The biggest challenge I have ever faced in my job
Apparently,reporters have to bear the risks of their duties,especially for women.A day when I was appointed to pretend as a customer who needs beauty treatments,in an attempt to unveil the unscrupulous selling plans of a beauty store.As I was intensely nervous and my face has betrayed me eventually.They immediately noticed my camera and even tried to grab it!Fortunately,my crew came to this store and help me get out from the trouble.Through those years,I still remember this accident clearly.

My school days
I used to be an introverted person and afraid of talking to strangers.I rarely communicating with the teachers.Yet,I started to study Liberal Studies when I was in Senior form.I found that I am totally obsessed with the lesson!The group discussion section provided ample opportunities for me to share my thoughts about the news with my classmates.Instead of boosting my critical thinking skills,those lessons even help me to get out of the comfort zone,which makes me become 'me' and starting to pursue my dream as a reporter.

Dream came true
I believe that most of you must be constantly struggling with you prospect.Just like everyone else in their childhood,confessing of what you truly love to be when you grew up.I knew lots of students might not only consider of themselves but their parents.My mom used to against my confidence of being a reporter as she thinks it is a dangerous job and I might be getting into trouble.Yet,my dream never been shaken and now my mom finally accepted what I am doing right now.Don't let anyone decide what you going to be.I hope all of you can pursue your dream successfully as long as you trust in yourself.

[ 本帖最後由 bing0120 於 2016-7-24 12:03 AM 編輯 ]
   

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你可以買d 5** 範文同真跡 或者 writing skills book 看看,學下人地點樣寫。

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the best part of my job 真係可以寫多少少

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只講第一段, 其他唔睇喇:
1. This job enables me a precious opportunity to unmask the facade of this society.
(a) 只可寫 enables me to [do sth]或 gives/provides me a precious opportunity to [do sth].
(b) unmask X = 移除X戴的面具. 戴面具的並非the facade of this society, 而是 this society, 所以你應該寫 unmask this society. (但我估你想講的係 unmask the wrongdoings in our society)

2. Reporting from day to night,using the most limited information for changing the impossible things to possible one,revealing the latest news to the audience.
(a) 此句無verb.
(b) ... to possible one and revealing the latest news ...
(c) reveal 意思係揭露. 你唔會揭露新聞, 只會揭露秘密/報導新聞, 所以你應該寫 reporting the latest newsrevealing secrets, 而且揭露秘密的是爆料人而非新聞報導員.
(d) 我唔知 using the most limited information for changing the impossible things to possible one 係咩意思.

3. Such kind of 'challenges' is obviously the best part of being a news reporter.
(a) Such a kind of ...
(b) 點解用 quotation marks?

4. 總括而言:
(a) 你講咗幾項好處 (learn a lot, can unmask the society, challenges). 但係既然叫你寫 the BEST part, 你當然應該只寫最好的一項.
(b) 你需要加多啲解釋. 例如你話你學咗好多嘢, 咁究竟你學咗啲乜? 你點樣從報新聞學? 改卷的人無可能知道/推論依啲嘢, 佢只會睇到一舊雲. 同理, 作為新聞報導員你揭穿咗咩真相? 點解啲 challenges 會係好處? (頭兩樣點睇都唔係好嘢)

[ 本帖最後由 tamgary 於 2016-7-27 08:47 PM 編輯 ]

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其實我原文係一段本來唔係咁 我係俾咗個朋友睇佢幫我改成咁 同埋你話第一段challenge 點解會係好事
但呢個係邏輯嘅問題 我人會覺得挑戰係好事有人會覺得係壞事 就係因為我覺得一個挑戰對於自己來講等於發掘自己潛能 同埋其實part a唔使寫得咁詳細



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I suggest you making this explicit and adding an explanation: 一個挑戰對於自己來講等於發掘自己潛能. This is not obvious to me at all. Also if you only pick one of the three 'best parts' and give a bit more detail, the paragraph is not really that long.

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I guess I can now see why I'm getting confused. You should not use such a kind of because it suggests you only like a specific kind of challenges. That's why I speculate that you have some special reasons.

By the way, you should improve your grammar and word choice, and try your best to use words and phrases correctly in the exam. (I can spot quite a few mistakes in a short paragraph even with my mediocre mastery of English )

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呢度可能幫到你
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