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[Eng] [text copy] DSE2015 writing Q5 求狠評

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[text copy] DSE2015 writing Q5 求狠評

題目:Many parts of Hong Kong's harbour front are still undeveloped.Some suggest using these areas for housing and commercial use, while others argue that such areas should be left as open space for public use. Write to the editor of Hong Kong Daily stating your opinion either for or against leaving these areas open for public use. Justify your point of view with three reasons. 我有幾多既句子都係根番補習老師所教但content既sentence structure就比較簡單可以點樣improve呢?請比番個grade我呀thx~~

Dear Editor,

Variable Uses of Open Space



To build up a sustainability-oriented hustle and bustle, urban planning is immensely consequential to balance the land use efficiently. Understandably, there is no lack of finger pointing going on - some altercate the harbour front should be used for housing and commercial use, while some quarrel it ought to be left as oprn space, which are usually conflicting and irreconcilable. It does not look like there will be a unanimous consensus on what to do in the short run. Until a panacea is discovered, however, perhaps it is not an ordeal idea to be constructed as an open space?

At times, there are sound ideas that could be easily dismissed at first glance, and the improvement of living environment happens to be one of the aforementioned. The function of open space is to disperse the air, so the air quality will be improved in the city renowned for her dirty air. In addition, it can lower building density so as to mitigate the problem of overcrowding, which deteriorates heat island effect. Imagine that the dense skyscrapers and housing estate align to depict the skyline, the gusts of breeze cannot ventilate into the urban centre by the wall effect. Would not the living environment be elevated?

While some may turn a blind eye to the recreational purpose, it acyually warrants further attention and thoughts because of the scenery always give the workers to wind down in the evening - lesser-known ferry pottering around the city's fringes. In the same train of thought, open space promote creative industries. The silouette of singing and dancing performance, photography stalls and easy-mount frames have occupied the West Kowloon Cultural District (one of the harbour front in Hong Kong), continue our local unique culture.

As someone who is persuaded only by hard and irrefutable facts that building commercial and residential buildings can tackle the land dearth problem, I have a different point of view. The limited square feet of waterfront cannot provide enough land to solve land shortage. Not to mention the government can gain land by other methods. For instance, urban renewal in order to vertical expand the buildings, developing countrysides, reclamation and even developing brownfield sites. These are the more persuasive way to increase land supply, what are the emphatic reasons to decastate our aesthetic harbour front?

There is no denying that the urban planner leave the harbour front as open space in accordance to the concept of sustainable city. It you go for a walk along the harbour front, you will be better understood my meaning.

Yours truly,

Chris

[ 本帖最後由 yoriko845 於 2016-12-28 06:16 PM 編輯 ]
   

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Yoriko,

Merry X'mas. 聖誕都出post, 見無人reply, 我就試一試啦:

1. 你的topic sentences 不太清晰
2. 我明白你嘗試用好多連接用的stock phrases:
* hustle and bustle
* no lack of finger pointing
*while some quarrel
*unanimous consent
*hidden from the plain sight (不是hidden in 嗎?)
但是這些字略嫌多了一點,多到一個點,阻住咗個idea flow,所以,你的3個reasons 好難跟得上
3. 我會畀個3

一點淺見,請指教。
文化本是平常事
"Culture is ordinary" by Raymond Williams

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回覆 2# 煎魚 的帖子

Thx for your comment.
I'll try to improve it

但我唔係幾明阻住個idea flow哩姐
姐係要著重多D係reasons' elaborations?

[ 本帖最後由 yoriko845 於 2016-12-28 06:10 PM 編輯 ]

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引用:
原帖由 yoriko845 於 2016-12-28 06:07 PM 發表
Thx for your comment.
I'll try to improve it

但我唔係幾明阻住個idea flow哩姐
姐係要著重多D係reasons' elaborations?
拿, 正所謂孟子曰:「學問之道無他,求其用心矣」, 如果你寫的東西, 係好似韓愈話齋:「周浩殷盤,佶屈聱牙」的話, 你的idea就唔能夠好似飛湍瀑流爭喧豗,冰崖轉石萬壑雷, 又唔會似黃海之水天上來, 奔流到海不復回了。
好似你宜家睇緊浩浩乎平沙無垠,敻不見人一樣的呢一段文字,如果你讀的時候無辦法可以像順流而東也,舳艫千里,旌旗蔽空,釃酒臨江,橫槊賦詩一樣,你就明白,乜野係阻住個idea flow 啦!

示範咗一次,希望你能領會,請指教。
文化本是平常事
"Culture is ordinary" by Raymond Williams

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我明啦
姐係要讀起黎流暢
唔好每句都左轉右轉先明
我會係下篇作文改架啦
應該星期二會作好
歡迎你到時又來指點

P.S.你既中文好有料!!



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引用:
原帖由 yoriko845 於 2016-12-31 06:42 PM 發表
我明啦
姐係要讀起黎流暢
唔好每句都左轉右轉先明
我會係下篇作文改架啦
應該星期二會作好
歡迎你到時又來指點

P.S.你既中文好有料!!



果然聰明!
等你的大作。

P.S. 我係補英文的
文化本是平常事
"Culture is ordinary" by Raymond Williams

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