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[Eng] 求狠評! 2014 eng paper2 q1

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求狠評! 2014 eng paper2 q1

2014 eng paper 2
Q1 Learning English through Sports Communication

A local fitness centre is being renovated. As the chairperson of your school's Sports Club,write a letter to ask the fitness centre to donate some of their old equipment to your school. In your letter, describe how the donation could benefit your school and the fitness centre.



Dear Sir / Madam,

These days, we have noticed that your fitness centre is being renovated. Some of your old and unwanted equipments may be replaced as well. Since the Sports Club of our school is newly developed, we do not have enough equipments for our members or even schoolmates. Therefore, we would be grateful if your centre could kindly donate these second hand equipments to us. We believed that your donation is not only beneficial to our school, but also your fitness centre.

The first recurring to our mind is that having more sports equipments can raise the health consciousness of our students. Some of our students, or even teachers, use different excuses for not doing enough exercise. This may lead to a number of illnesses, such as obesity, high blood pressure and heart disease. The fact that the number of overweight students in our school has been increasing continuously. With your equipments, we can provide a variety of sports courses for them. In these courses, healthy lifestyle, such as doing exercise regularly, will be promoted. Thus, health awareness of students may be improved. With this in mind, it is beyond doubt that your donation can help to rise the health alertness of our students.

Another point I would like to put forth is that students can become healthy and strong through your equipments. Nowadays, news regarding outbreak of infectious disease are not uncommon in Hong Kong. Last year, there was even an outbreak of hand, foot and mouth disease in our school. It is widely acknowledged that sports activities can maintain our health and prevent from sickness. Your donation will contribute to encourage students to do more exercise. Thereby, they can gain a healthy body and reduce the chance of getting sick. Based on the above, it is clear that your donation is paramount for maintaining students’ physical health.

Apart from the benefits towards our school, there are many benefits towards your fitness centre in addition.

A point which we cannot be overlooked is that the donation can enhance the prestige of your fitness centre. There is no denying that the image of your company is closely linked with the future of it. By donating your old equipments, your company can build up a positive image. With a better reputation, more and more clients will tend to attend your fitness course. For instance, as the teachers and students may appreciate your generosity, they might engage in the courses of your fitness centre in the future. This, undoubtedly, explains for why your company should donate the unwanted equipments to our school.

It might also be noted that donating your old equipments can save money for your fitness centre. It is doubtless that throwing away the used equipments is environmentally unfriendly. Hence, it might damage the fame of your company. However, as we all know, the rent of flats in Hong Kong is fairly unaffordable. If your company have to store these unwanted equipments, a high price of rental expense will be costed. Nevertheless, donating your equipments to our school is definitely environmentally friendly and inexpensive. The shipping fee will be your only expense. Consequently, expense will be reduced if your company donate the second hand equipments to us.

All in all, we sincerely hope that your fitness centre can donate your old equipments to our school. We cannot forget that it is donating your unwanted equipments that can raise the health consciousness of our students; it is donating your old equipments that can make our students healthy and strong; it is donating your used equipments that can improve your company's fame; it is donating your second hand equipments that can reduce the expense of your fitness centre. The above reveals that It is absolutely a win-win situation for our school and your fitness centre. As the chairperson of Sports Club, I am looking forward to seeing your positive response.

Yours faithfully,
Chris Wong
Chairperson of Sports Club



Version 2 Conclusion

In conclusion, donating your old equipments is a win-win situation for both our school and your centre. For our school, donating your unwanted equipments can raise the health consciousness and make our students healthy and strong. For your company, donating your used equipments can improve your company's fame and reduce the expense. The above reveals why it is beneficial to donate your second hand equipments to us. I am looking forward to seeing your positive reply.

第一個Conclusion係用補習教既,
第二個就我自己寫
係咪第二個比較好??
求狠評



   

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1. Grammatical mistakes較多 因此明顯睇得出篇文係用補習社vocab「堆砌」出黎 顯得生硬
e.g.
The fact that the number of overweight students in our school has been increasing continuously 錯用the fact that-> The number of overweight students in our school has been increasing continuously
A point which we cannot be overlooked is that 錯用passive voice/加多左個we
-> A point which cannot be overlooked is that
-> A point which we cannot overlook is that
If your company have to 錯判singular/plural noun
-> If your company has to

2. Tone問題
e.g.
This, undoubtedly, explains for why your company should donate the unwanted equipments to our school. 用should感覺太強硬
-> This explains why donataing old equipment to our school is advantageous to your company.
(version 1 conclusion) We cannot forget... *n 同上文係兩個截然不同Htone 顯得突兀
-> version 2 較平實 但起碼tone上符合上文
-> 可用I believe.../I hope...強調希望對方會donate equipmentH諗法

順帶一提 equipment係uncountable noun 唔會加s
另外part 1(benefits to your school)H2個points略嫌類近 屬因果關係 如果用鮮明角度去包裝會更佳
-> (1) short term: create a gimmick -> with the Club's publicity -> attract students to use those equipment -> enhance students' interest in doing exercise
-> (2) long term: raise students' awareness of their health conditions -> students may reflect upon their unhealthy or imbalanced lifestyle  (e.g. lack of regular exercise) -> form the habit of doing exercise -> improve their physical health
仲有一個極minorH位: 人地捐野比學校 係咪應該由學校比番shipping fee

建議:
grammar根底未夠紮實 basic野你掌握得唔差 但相對上比較難Hsentence patterns就未必駕馭到 建議做下exercise改善下grammar先
老實講成篇文都較為平實 一路睇都覺得好多位係可以選用更為適合或者所謂「靚expressions」代替 當然 如果想城炊屨Y可以嘗試下用多啲advanced vocab 但個人認為始終grammar係更為重要
另外寫完篇文可先proofread一次 改grammar之餘更要留意一下語調 確保同題目要求/身份相符

整體黎講文句通順 論點闡述有條理 舉例得宜(health problems)
加油

(利申 本人為2017DSE考生 並非任何權威性人士 上述意見只供參考&互相切磋之用 如有錯漏或不足之處請加以指正)

[ 本帖最後由 ahha01078 於 2017-3-7 05:39 PM 編輯 ]

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Will be better if add counter argument

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e.g. Naysayers might counter my stance

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, claiming that.....

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