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英文作文,請人評下..Thx

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英文作文,請人評下..Thx

Topic:A recent survey conducted by the government reveal that the number of tragedies regarding child-abuse is on a dramatic
increase.Write a letter to south china morning post to express the views and suggest ways to reduce this problem.



Dear Sir,

        I am writing to express my own views on the increasing number of child-abuse in Hong Kong.

       Patently,some kids may be very naughty and always mischievous.However,I dont't think they should be severely punished for
this.Kids are just on the way of how to act properly and control themselves.They are immature and therefore may not be able to
distinguishbetween right and wrong themselves.It is their right to be forgiven when they made some mistakes as everybody has to undergo this stage of life.In fact,what they need most is not blame,but parental guidance with which they could know what
mistakes they have made and try to avoid making the same in the future.

       However,it is a sad fact that parents nowadays are too busy with their work and pay little attention to the upbringing of their children.Not only do they seldom care their behaviour,they may even blame them severely for some minor mistakes they have made.Some of them may leave the children unattended at home all the time while some may punish their children by bot giving them food. All these hinder the proper development of the child.In some serious cases,some parents,in order to release their remper and pressure,may slap or even beat their children hard,resulting in serious injuries.

      Clearly,something must be done before it is too late.I believe the government plays the indispensable role to tackle this
problem.For example,the government can promote the child-abuse problem by advertisement,or educating the parents in respect of the grave consequences of child-abuse.To prevent tragedies of child-abuse,several parties should identify well their roles and
co-operate with one another without procrastination.

      Unquestionably,it is manifest and noticed that the problem cannot be solve overnight.However, I hold firm to my belief that
with the collective endeavour and co-operation of different parties,the trend of child-abuse can be put to a halt in some but not too distant tomorrow.

                                                                                                                                                      Yours faithfully,
                                                                                                                                                          Chris Wong
                                                                                                         


[ 本帖最後由 lesley91418 於 2009-5-6 09:15 PM 編輯 ]
   

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引用:
原帖由 lesley91418 於 2009-5-6 09:10 PM 發表
Topic:A recent survey conducted by the government reveal that the number of tragedies regarding child-abuse is on a dramatic
increase.Write a letter to south china morning post to express the v ...
It is their right to be forgiven when they made some mistakes as everybody has to undergo this stage of life. 怪怪地
what they need most is not being blamed
they may even blame them severely for some minor mistakes they have made 兩個they means different person..
even beat their children hardly
cannot be solved overnight
I hold firm to my belief that <-- 係唔係firmly 好d 呢

4-5 i think

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引用:
原帖由 tony1211 於 2009-5-6 09:25 PM 發表


It is their right to be forgiven when they made some mistakes as everybody has to undergo this stage of life. 怪怪地
what they need most is not being blamed
they may even blame them severe ...
I see..there are some grammatical mistakes. Thank you very much!!

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引用:
原帖由 tony1211 於 2009-5-6 09:25 PM 發表


It is their right to be forgiven when they made some mistakes as everybody has to undergo this stage of life. 怪怪地
what they need most is not being blamed
they may even blame them severe ...
hard好似用得岩喎 如果係hardly會唔會變左第二個意思呢?

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引用:
原帖由 tony1211 於 2009-5-6 09:25 PM 發表


It is their right to be forgiven when they made some mistakes as everybody has to undergo this stage of life. 怪怪地
what they need most is not being blamed
they may even blame them severe ...
"hold firm to", "is not blame" and "beat them hard" are all correct.

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huh??

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篇文整體我覺得應該5
Content 應該有4~5,
如果你能夠講多少少government 點樣透過advertisement 去引人關注會更好,
例如講下advertise o既途徑同形式,
同埋可以講多個方法去reduce 會好d,
咁樣篇文會balance d,
唔會只著重reason o既分析~
btw, promote 帶有正面o既意思,
甚少去promote 一個problem, raise awareness 會好d

下邊o既就係grammar 上/ 表達上少少修改,
大部分純屬我個人意見,唔一定要跟~
grammar 都應該有5, 唔計typo, 只係有d 可以表達得更好:

起首o既最好用"Dear Editor,"
如果用Dear Sir/ Madam,
通常係寫去一d firm 先會用,
既然係SCMP, Editor 會suitable d~

However,I dont't think they should be severely punished for this reason

..sad fact that parents nowadays are too busy with their work and pay so little attention to..
加個so 係想加強語氣,因為前邊你都提到話too busy~

They are immature and therefore may not be able to distinguish between right and wrong (by themselves).
加個by 係想顯示小朋友唔能夠獨自解決,
單係themselves 就係另一意思,同埋其實"by themselves" 可以係optional,
前邊你提到they, 然後not able to... 都有相似意思~

In fact,what they need most is not blame,but parental guidance with which they could know what mistakes they have made and try to avoid making the same in the future.
呢到我會建議分開兩句,
起parental guidance 後開另一句,
咁樣寫會直接表達到你o既main idea,
同埋用relative clause 用得太長都係應該盡量避免

"All these hinder the proper development of the child"
呢句有d 問題,因為你上邊都係refer 緊受影響o既children,
但呢到child 用sing.,
前邊加個the, 所refer o既似乎唔太清晰,
所以我會prefer 用children 代替~

I believe the government plays an indispensable role to...
呢到因為前邊冇提過role 呢樣野,
所以用an 會好d~

To prevent tragedies of child-abuse from happening
咁樣寫會更加完整,
原句畀人感覺有少少似fragment~

Unquestionably,it is manifest and noticeable that the problem
未知你o既意思係唔係更易令人notice 呢?
如果係o既,就用noticeable,
noticed 起呢個case 變左個passive voice,
同前者o既active voice 有contradictory o既地方~

Organization 同Vocabulary 都應該有5~5*
不過要小心o既可能係篇文d stock phrases 過多,
畀人印象唔太好~

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