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英文作文,請人評下..Thx

篇文整體我覺得應該5
Content 應該有4~5,
如果你能夠講多少少government 點樣透過advertisement 去引人關注會更好,
例如講下advertise o既途徑同形式,
同埋可以講多個方法去reduce 會好d,
咁樣篇文會balance d,
唔會只著重reason o既分析~
btw, promote 帶有正面o既意思,
甚少去promote 一個problem, raise awareness 會好d

下邊o既就係grammar 上/ 表達上少少修改,
大部分純屬我個人意見,唔一定要跟~
grammar 都應該有5, 唔計typo, 只係有d 可以表達得更好:

起首o既最好用"Dear Editor,"
如果用Dear Sir/ Madam,
通常係寫去一d firm 先會用,
既然係SCMP, Editor 會suitable d~

However,I dont't think they should be severely punished for this reason

..sad fact that parents nowadays are too busy with their work and pay so little attention to..
加個so 係想加強語氣,因為前邊你都提到話too busy~

They are immature and therefore may not be able to distinguish between right and wrong (by themselves).
加個by 係想顯示小朋友唔能夠獨自解決,
單係themselves 就係另一意思,同埋其實"by themselves" 可以係optional,
前邊你提到they, 然後not able to... 都有相似意思~

In fact,what they need most is not blame,but parental guidance with which they could know what mistakes they have made and try to avoid making the same in the future.
呢到我會建議分開兩句,
起parental guidance 後開另一句,
咁樣寫會直接表達到你o既main idea,
同埋用relative clause 用得太長都係應該盡量避免

"All these hinder the proper development of the child"
呢句有d 問題,因為你上邊都係refer 緊受影響o既children,
但呢到child 用sing.,
前邊加個the, 所refer o既似乎唔太清晰,
所以我會prefer 用children 代替~

I believe the government plays an indispensable role to...
呢到因為前邊冇提過role 呢樣野,
所以用an 會好d~

To prevent tragedies of child-abuse from happening
咁樣寫會更加完整,
原句畀人感覺有少少似fragment~

Unquestionably,it is manifest and noticeable that the problem
未知你o既意思係唔係更易令人notice 呢?
如果係o既,就用noticeable,
noticed 起呢個case 變左個passive voice,
同前者o既active voice 有contradictory o既地方~

Organization 同Vocabulary 都應該有5~5*
不過要小心o既可能係篇文d stock phrases 過多,
畀人印象唔太好~
   

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