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評一下英文作文

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評一下英文作文

topic " Hong Kong teenagers have unhealthy lifestyles" Do you agree?
write a leeter to the editor of Hong Kong Times giving your opinions.Start your letter
'Dear Editor' and sign it 'Chris Wong' Do not write an address.


Dear Editor,
        Recently, I watched a TV programme which was about the lifestyle of the teenagers in Hong Kong. However, in the programme,they concluded that the teenagers in Hong Kong have a healthy lifestyle. I am writing to express my opinion against the above conclusion. I have a few reasons to support my view.
        First and foremost,most of the teenagers like eating meat in the meal. They will perfer having fried chicken wings or some beef more than having some vegetables for their lunch.  Many of them have a diet with insufficient vegetables. It is no good for their health.It is common that many teenagers are having an unbalanced diet every day. Moreover,the number of obesed teenagers is increaseing rapidly in the past few years. They usually have fat meat,soft-drinks, fried food, which are usually high-fat in content. I totally don't think that is a healthy way for teenagers.
        Apart from this, Hong Kong teenagers dislike doing exercises.It is also a reason why more and more youths are putting weights after thay leave schools. Some of the students explain that they have lots of homework to do and no time for doing any exercises.But when i ask them ehether they have watched the dramma shown on the TV at 9:30pm.all of their answers are positive.They do have time to watch aTv but no time for doing exercise.It is only a lie.They are lazy and not willing to do any exercises.Would the person who doesn't do any exercises be healthy?
       To make things worse, students play online games at the expense of their sleeping time. They go to bed in the midnights.Being late to school isn't uncommon to them. In order to increase their level of 'weapons' or trying to chat with their net firends during nights. They are addicted to 'the computer world.' This will be harmful to them.But most of the teenages have already been one of them. Would a lack of sleeping person have a healthy lifestyle?
       All in all, unbalanced diet, lack of exercises and addiction to playing computers are the habits of the teenagers in Hong Kong. I don't think it can be said to be a healthy lifestyles.

Yours faithfully,

(sign)

Chris Wong

(387words)

   

TOP

Some suggestion..
1st para. I think it is better to put " I am writing......conclusion" first, since it is the purpose why you write this letter.

TOP

Being late to school isn't uncommon to them.
點解要用 isn't uncommon  唔用is common?
好似好累聚咁..

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i know this is the purpose of writing this letter.
BUt i think i should stated my reason of wirting this letter before states the purpose

TOP

我都唔係好叻..不過好似見到少少錯處
有高人請指證我或者一齊研究 =)
我剩係講講第一段

First and foremost,most of the teenagers like eating meat in the meal. They will perfer having fried chicken wings or some beef more than having some vegetables for their lunch.  Many of them have a diet with insufficient vegetables. It is no good for their health.It is common that many teenagers are having an unbalanced diet every day. Moreover,the number of obesed teenagers is increaseing rapidly in the past few years. They usually have fat meat,soft-drinks, fried food, which are usually high-fat in content. I totally don't think that is a healthy way for teenagers.

1. the -> their 好似會好少少..不過其實分別唔太大
2. will perfer -> prefer 首先..注意串字 同咪唔駛加個will字
3. some 可以刪去 如果唔係好累贅
4. no -> not  會比較formal  no good係spoken english
5. obesed -> obese obese己經係adj
6. usually 可以刪去
7. 最後果句..最好避免用個think字 感覺上唔夠強硬同太主觀
    可以改為 e.g I totally disagree that teenagers in HK are living a good lifestyle.

仲有一個問題..句子與句子之間最好順住個flow
就咁睇第一段 有少少感覺係將一堆句子擺埋一齊 而唔係一個paragraph

希望幫到你 =)
同咪如果我有錯 請指點

TOP

lv3-4.

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