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評一下英文作文

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我都唔係好叻..不過好似見到少少錯處
有高人請指證我或者一齊研究 =)
我剩係講講第一段

First and foremost,most of the teenagers like eating meat in the meal. They will perfer having fried chicken wings or some beef more than having some vegetables for their lunch.  Many of them have a diet with insufficient vegetables. It is no good for their health.It is common that many teenagers are having an unbalanced diet every day. Moreover,the number of obesed teenagers is increaseing rapidly in the past few years. They usually have fat meat,soft-drinks, fried food, which are usually high-fat in content. I totally don't think that is a healthy way for teenagers.

1. the -> their 好似會好少少..不過其實分別唔太大
2. will perfer -> prefer 首先..注意串字 同咪唔駛加個will字
3. some 可以刪去 如果唔係好累贅
4. no -> not  會比較formal  no good係spoken english
5. obesed -> obese obese己經係adj
6. usually 可以刪去
7. 最後果句..最好避免用個think字 感覺上唔夠強硬同太主觀
    可以改為 e.g I totally disagree that teenagers in HK are living a good lifestyle.

仲有一個問題..句子與句子之間最好順住個flow
就咁睇第一段 有少少感覺係將一堆句子擺埋一齊 而唔係一個paragraph

希望幫到你 =)
同咪如果我有錯 請指點
   

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