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***Writing 評一評...thx : )***

08 CE


Task2 Q.2

Your school building is going to be pulled down as part of the redevelopment of the area. Wirte an article for your school magazine saying why you think this is or is not a good idea.



Protect Our School !


Imagine learning in a place without classroom, having lunch without a canteen, and playing ball games without a playground. No wonder these are the severe consequences that will be brought about to a student without a school campus. Being confronted with this upcoming toil, we should unite to protect our school being pulled down for the redevelopment of the area!

Pulling down our school building is no different from pulling down our memories. Since our school has undergone 110 years of history, despite periodic renovation, there was no record that our school building was compelled to move. Once we are obliged to move, all the rooms and playgrounds, which are full of our memories, will be inflicted to exist. Our hard works that we have dedicated to our school for years will all be shattered. Is it a must that pulling down our school is the only solution? I am reluctant to perceive how our school will be.

Without any prospects, neither do we know how our new school will be, nor do we know when our new school is to be built. What we know is we are going to pursue our learning at a so-called – “school”. A “school” without basketball courts and football fields, without tuck shops and canteens, and worst of all, there are no libraries and computer rooms! How unbelievable that we are studying at such kind of “school”!

Although it is an undeniable fact that we have to move, moving away from our most lovable school, we still have to pay our utmost effort in protecting our school, or in the worst case, the school will live in our memories forever. We sincerely seek reconciliation with the government. I believe every student will unanimously think that – “Don’t pull down our school!”

310 words



[ 本帖最後由 macverson 於 2009-5-7 07:59 PM 編輯 ]
   

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我d英文都好馬虎!!
我認為一句sentence 有4個perp好怪that,bring,about,without
No wonder these are the severe consequences that will bring about to a student without a school campus.

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lv4. attempts at using various structures are seen, though some are wrong.
on the whole, it's understandable and organized.

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引用:
原帖由 kissdom1 於 2009-5-7 07:14 PM 發表
我d英文都好馬虎!!
我認為一句sentence 有4個perp好怪that,bring,about,without
No wonder these are the severe consequences that will bring about to a student without a school campus.
that and bring are not prepositions, though the sentence is grammatically wrong.

[ 本帖最後由 docare 於 2009-5-7 07:23 PM 編輯 ]

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引用:
原帖由 docare 於 2009-5-7 07:21 PM 發表

that and bring are not prepositions, though the sentence is grammatically wrong.
Do u mind telling me what are the gramatical mistakes in this sentence??

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個style 不太習慣
而且在school magnzine上可唔可以曬咁多complex sentense 都成疑

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consequences cannot "bring about to" students.

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文句累贅...
比人覺得你強行將一D深字+入篇文入面...
Simple is perfect
[url=http://littlesoldier.net][/url

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冇錯Dd用字真係深...
不過個style扣哂分 因為你係寫落school magazine
用字太深師弟妹要查dictionary

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回覆 #6 s041 的帖子

其實係冇問題的
同埋樓上你個理由係唔成立的
POST 文者請注意: POST 之前請PROOFREAD 清楚

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Language 的部分是okay的.
雖然grammar有錯, 但這是正常, 見你有盡力去用不同句子, show到sentence variety同埋vocabulary use算準繩.

structure還算organized, 但係points coherence唔夠清晰. 例如introduction講學生唔可以無classroom其實表達得唔清楚, 唔對焦, 因為人地唔係話而家要你繼續搞間學校而無校舍, 所以呢段已經奇怪. 但之後講緊學校memories果d, 又無再補充番呢度, 成段就遺下一個問號.

重點係個content答唔中「重心」.
成段要你俾你唔贊成既ideas, 唯全文只見一個reasonable and relavant point - memories .
雖然memories係設題既背景同要旨 (呼應「cultural heritage文化保育」既縮影題) 但係唔應該成為唯一既論點.
所以content失左d分, 唔夠dynamic
心繫小卒~~~*

即使已經成仙, 脫離那些地獄的考試,
只要有時間, 也希望略盡綿力, 向學弟妹施予援手!

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1  sentence太累贅 > eg last para

2 Being confronted with this upcoming toil, we should unite to protect our school being pulled down for the redevelopment of the area!

我會改小小 Being confronted the upcoming toil, we should unite to protect our school from being pulled down for the redevelopment of the area!

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唔...我覺得protect our school 做標題 有點怪
因為pull down school building已成定局....
希望幫到你

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